coastal | [ kara & lili are romance, somehow ]

Probably.

[ the odds aren't on their side. if there is only one killer, that's one out of nearly forty innocents. this game of theirs was never meant to be fair, he thinks. ]

I don't know the answer to that, Lili. [ there isn't a lot that he can give her, this time. kara is as clueless as the rest of them. ] But we can keep trying to find Shadow's people - even one would put us in a better position - and we can keep trying to find out why those two were targeted, and where we could have gone wrong here. Even if that's all we can do, it's better than letting this go.

[ . . . . make plans.

make plans, move forward, because there are some things that only they can do. tetora's words ring in her ears, and they tell her to be strong. they tell her not to be defeated, even as she holds onto him.]

... I'll talk to Giyuu - he gave me the closest thing to a lead. Dimitri also seems to know something about - the Howling? I think... the two might be connected, but I still want to check.

[step forward, step forward, step forward.]

I'll keep searching. We'll have to divide who we ask from here on out in order to be effective.

[ . . . ]

I'm sorry - that you have to take the time to... make me feel better.

[isn't that what he said yesterday? when they could've spent more time being productive? chances are wasted the longer that she doesn't have a hold on her emotions.]

...I was already planning on talking to Giyuu, but I won't stop you. [ his own plans have changed a bit, but. that is fine. ] If we keep going, we'll figure this out sooner or later.

[ ...but then lili says that, and kara pauses. loosens his grips, and releases her to take a step back, hands on lili's arms as he stares at her in confusion. ]

Why are you apologizing? I came looking for you because I wanted to.

[she shakes her head.]

Both of us can. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but... if you want to start splitting the work more obviously - so we don't cover the same ground, so we can share it...

[he'd said that they didn't have to figure out this game together - but the difference is that she wants to.

when he pulls back, she tenses up even in his arms, like she doesn't want to let go.]

... you said yesterday. That we shouldn't waste chances at learning things just to make - people feel better.

I kept you instead of letting you go.

[she took up his time because of her emotions.

her father used to lock her up for the same reason. maybe they really are too much to expect other people to handle.]

It's fine - but we should keep track of who we've spoken to, so we don't waste time.

[ ...he says, and then lili turns it back on him. kara blinks at her, surprised and... a little unsure of what happened to cause this confusion. they've always been on the same page before, but... something about this place seems to be determined to tear them apart.

after a moment, ookurikara shakes his head. this is his fault, probably - frustration makes it even harder to translate how he feels into words. and of course, he doesn't really know how to fix it, except to try to explain.

but that's no excuse for hurting lili. ]

...I didn't mean you. You're never a waste of my time.

[ . . . .

she turns the words over in her head, once more, twice. she tries to remember the rest of the conversation, she tries to be fair. if he didn't mean her, then he must've meant -

something else that she didn't hear, that she couldn't hear, panicked and saddened as she was. is that what everyone meant, when they said that she lets her emotions rule her? to make it to the point that she doesn't even understand the words that ookurikara gives her anymore?

it makes her feel a little ashamed.]

.... I don't - [want you to say those things just to make me feel better. but he never does. he doesn't lie to her.]

.... I didn't mean to misunderstand.

[it just happened, when emotions run high, when she felt like the one person that she wants to keep more than anything or anyone was finally slipping through her fingers.]

But I don't... want to be the only one who relies on you either...

[ he gives her a gentle tug to pull her back into another embrace, wrapping his arms a little tighter this time. ookurikara so rarely apologizes, because it never feels right. something about the words always sour on his tongue, and it leaves him feeling bitter, a taste he's had far too much of lately. action, he feels, has always been stronger than words...

...but, ah, this time, he isn't sure if there is anything else he could do. holding lili is one thing - that's the least he can do, when she needs him. but more than that - as much as he'd like to kiss her, the problem here is with the words he'd said, isn't it? that means he'll have to, somehow, fix it the same way. ]

You're the only one here who trusts me, [ he says eventually, voice soft near lili's ear, ] and the only one I trust. You don't need me, to find a way to fix this, but I need you. Without you, even with all the secrets you haven't been able to tell me, I'd be even more lost than we already are. I'd be twice as useless - just a sword without an edge, or a target.

[she lets him pull her closer, goes with it immediately as she lets her arms wrap around him too. she listens even more closely to every word that he says and—

oh, how she feels her heart break.

she's quiet, for a long few moments, as if finally realizing everything that he'd been holding onto. when she does speak, there's so much emotion in her voice that it's overwhelming.]

.... I let you think that? [she let him believe, for even a second - ] You think I don't need you?

[the idea offends her, and she almost whispers it, as if she doesn't want to let the words exist in the world at all.]

You've never been useless. [her fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt so tightly] If I didn't have you, I'd... There's no one here that means as much to me as you. There's no one who I think would keep me from going astray - the way that you do.

I need you - more than anyone, or anything else. So don't say things like that.

You don't. [ his voice is just as quiet, but firm in this belief. ] You've already accomplished more than I ever could, just by being yourself. As much as I've been trying to find a way to help, I have nothing to show for it, except what you've told me.

[ he doesn't know how to answer the rest. ookurikara is not a wakizashi, a sword made for support. he was made to be on the battlefield, not for games of intrigue where secrets are worth one's own weight in gold. here, without any enemy to point his sword at, with only guesses and hearsay and rumors to give them direction, kara has no idea how to do his job. with no knowledge of how to protect lili, or even himself, he is as good as lost.

but lili's been doing so much, enough that much of it can't even be put into words. while he's tried to find a way and been left floundering, lili has found allies, and information, and key items to help them win. maybe it's familiar to her, as the daughter of a noble, but it's like she's right in her element. with a place built on things like this, ookurikara was always going to be left behind. ]

I don't know how I can help you. I'm not made for places or things like this. But even if I weren't here, you'd still find a way to fight it.

[ . . . . some of what he says isn't wrong. lili has lived most of her life alone, and only recently learned how to be even remotely effective. even if ookurikara wasn't here, even if tsurumaru wasn't here, even if she was left alone with no one at her side - she would find a way to fight her obstacles.

or she would die trying.

but the rest of it - it sits poorly with her. she almost trembles with how much she wants to argue, how much she wants to fight these thoughts that seem to have taken root in ookurikara's mind and refuse to disappear.]

.... I don't - I've never cared about what you're made for. [because hadn't they said in the village - that life can be so much more than the purpose you were crafted for?] I don't want to hear about what you think your limitations are based on being a sword—

You said you're mine, right....?! For as long as I want you - and I still want you! And I don't want to hear about situations where you aren't here because - because you still are!

[so why is he talking like he's resigned? why is he saying this like it's already a given that they're going to be separated? how much tighter does lili have to hold on?]

I don't want you to be any different than you are - unless you want to change... but you have to want to be next to me too. Don't give up, when I'm always going to be waiting for you!

We can make plans, or we can figure out how to divide work, or when my body wants to give up then I'll rely on you but - I'm not going anywhere until you start moving with me...!

I know you don't care, but I don't know what to do, in a place like this. Nothing I've tried has made any difference.

[ she has to how frustrated he is - by the limitations, by the secrets, by... all of it, everything this place has had to offer. for someone who values the merit of actions far more than words, it goes against all he stands for, and that makes it all the more difficult. ]

...I have no intention of giving up, or going anywhere. [ despite the theory he shared with her last night, ookurikara still means every word of that. ] But I can't really move with you if I only know pieces of the puzzle. I think you know that.

[ he exhales, the sound soft, nearly lost in the evening breeze. ]

I just wanted you to know that I'm relying on you, too.

[ maybe he's a little bitter that he doesn't have the choice but to do so, if he wants to stands a chance here. but that's kara's problem, not hers, and he doesn't mind that it's lili herself at all. if it were anyone else...

...but it isn't. so he holds on a little tighter, as if that alone will keep them both safe until the end. ]

[ . . . . . she lets herself be held, even as her heart races in her chest as if she's been running, and she clings onto him as if it'll keep him from going anywhere. but she listens too, she tries to listen so closely, and she shuts her eyes as she tries to think of what to do, or what to say to help anything at all.

why is it that he thinks that she can do anything she wants in this place - but she struggles to help the person most important to her? isn't that still failure?

. . . ]

... I meant it - when I said Monday. One of the biggest pieces is coming to you then, and it'll clear up what happened a week ago, because I don't want to hide anything about it from you.

[so that's one part - even if she can only give him parts, by god she's going to try. she wracks her brain, she tries to think of what she still needs, of what kara can give to her if he's so desperate for answers.]

.... Giyuu. Shinobu. Steph. Wei Wuxian. 45. Phoenix. Escha. Minako. [some people he'd already named, some that she's throwing in]

I don't know anything about them - not in any way that matters, and don't intend on reaching out to them for alliances. I don't know if you're going to be able to get along with them, but I think... if you wanted to cover where I'm still blind. I can't go into any more break ins either, until I'm healed - but you have to come back to me if you go.

I don't want to tell you what to do, because I trust your judgment. I don't expect you to just follow what I ask but... there are some things I can only ask of you, too. Because I don't trust anyone else to do them.

[ monday, she says again - the biggest piece. he has a suspicion of what lili means, and while he doesn't necessarily like it, he does appreciate the effort behind it. so he gives a simple nod, and moves onto the rest. ]

Shinobu is another one I planned to talk to. The others... [ the ones he hasn't already named ] ...I don't know.

[ he can try, but clearly has less faith than the rest. ]

But you, of all people, should know that I don't intend to let this place break me - no matter what it throws at us. Repairing Tsuru and the rest, and getting home - those aren't things I'm willing to lose. Even if there's nothing I can do, I won't give up on that.

[ . . . . she nods then, accepting. she'll take an i don't know - but if kara said that he needed direction, said that he had wanted to figure out how to help lili, she could at least give him an easy list.

she doesn't want him to be frustrated anymore - but she knows that this is a battle that he has to win for himself.]

... I think there are still things you can do - but.... [she'll look up to face him then, even as she can't quite school the worry off of her face] ... it does make me feel better. To hear that you won't give up.

I'm going to keep trying, even if it means bending every rule until it's almost shattered - to figure out how to keep us together.

[because the one thing that she can't accept is the idea that she would ever want to do any of this without him. she reaches her hand up to his face, lets her fingers curl at the back of his neck, and beckons him down to meet her]

.... even if you don't believe me - I don't think you understand how much I do need you. Even if it's not for information, or for safety, or for anything that you might consider 'useful' - though do you give me all of those things...

I still need you, Kara.

If you think there's more I can do, then just tell me. I can't do anything if I don't know anything. A dulled sword has no purpose, Lili.

[ he loosens his grip as she meets his eyes, and moves easily at her request, but he shakes his head. ]

I can try, but I can't promise I'll be effective. People don't trust me as easily as they do with you.

[ there's a soft, tired sigh as kara leans into her touch. ]

Maybe you're right. Humans are... still hard to understand. I don't even understand my own heart, most of the time. [ it's still a mystery to him, why he feels so much, even when he tries not to. it should be easier to push it all aside, after centuries without it - so why isn't it? even when kara thinks he's succeeded, something new will happen and set off this pain in his chest, and he never knows how to handle it. most of the time, he tries avoid dealing with it altogether.

lili is the one exception. he'd tried to ignore it like he did the rest, but she'd forced her way into his heart despite that, and now kara doesn't know how to stop caring for her - and that still scares him, even if he's chosen to try to believe in her anyway. but that doesn't make matters of the heart much clearer for him, does it? there are things he knows, that he believes her, and that she believes in him, but has he ever truly understood why?

that, he doesn't know. so he doesn't know, exactly, how to answer her, either. but for lili, he tries. ]

...I don't know if I can understand what you mean, unless you tell me. But I do know that I'm not planning on going anywhere, even if the killers come after me. I want to make it to the end again - with you, this time.

[ and maybe that's a stupid wish. they are, after all, on different teams. but he doesn't want to do this without her again. ]

... you're not dulled.

[she says that first, because it bothers her. it bothers her so much to think that kara would be under the impression for even two seconds that he's anything less than the best person in this camp. for how difficult he can be, and how much he frustrates her, there's no one who she agrees with more when it comes to being moral. to being good. and she thinks that should always count for more than anything else.]

... I need information before I can do anything. So I... need you to take my place, when it comes to going into dangerous areas. And when we find whoever hurt Yu and Hikage, I'm going to need you to actually make anything real. [because lili can get information, maybe, and she can carry her ideals with her. but she's never been strong enough to carry them out all on her own. would it make kara feel better to hear that? that there might still be a 'use' for him in the future?

otherwise she sits with his statement - that he might not understand the ways that she needs him if she never says it. it's embarrassing, and it's shameful, and weak and vulnerable and everything that she hates being.

.... but if it's for kara...

she looks away for a moment before her eyes flick up back to meet his, encouraging his forehead to rest on hers.]

... it's easier to breathe, when I'm next to you. When I get to hold your hand in trial, or when I get to - be in your arms afterward. When I forget which way I'm going or how to tell up from down, you remind me what our purpose is and that we have to keep moving forward when I think my legs might collapse. When I... still get scared - and don't want to tell anyone else... I still feel like I can tell you, and you won't think less of me for it.

The reasons why I need you aren't based on what 'use' you can give me, or what you can offer. I need you... for the person that you are.

[she doesn't need ookurikara the sword - she needs kara, the one who she trusts her heart with]

Because you're still... everything I could ever want.

[and it's shy, and tentative, and maybe just an excuse to hide her burning face - but she leans up to press a kiss to his lips, as if to seal the promise and... maybe express whatever words she's still not strong enough to say like—

—because I think of love when I look at you.]

Edited 2020-06-28 18:39 (UTC)

...I'm going to, when I have the chance. If there is anything I can do, I intend to - if that means finding Hikage and Yu's killers, and taking them down before they can kill again, then I will. But we don't know enough to make any moves on it yet.

[ he falls silent after that, waiting for lili to continue as he rests his head against hers like she wants. with a soft sigh, his eyes slide shut, and he just... waits, and listens.

he thinks of what kaoru told him, weeks ago, each time he'd asked. before their first date, at that cafe, and at the world with the dragons - the real reason he'd wanted to take lili there wasn't to just to see the dragons, after all, but to bring her to where he'd spent so much time wondering why he'd felt her loss so strongly, once his emotions came back. kaoru's words echo in his mind as lili tries to explain, and it - it resonates, like the chime of steel on steel, and ookurikara thinks he might actually understand - at least a little.

because he knows how it feels, to lose someone and suddenly feel lost, like a compass spinning round and round, unable to find a waypoint. because lili had always been the one he trusted most, once they found out how to trust each other at all, and now in this camp - he has no one else. there's no one else who will hear him admit to feeling so directionless, and while he's glad to know that lili won't be alone, should something happen to him - and she won't, she has too many others to confide in and care for her - it stings a little less, to know there are still things that will only be between them. maybe it's selfish, for a sword who knows and fears loss so well, to keep this for himself even when nothing is for certain. but he clings to the few he does cherish so hard that he can't begin to care.

knowing that he's cherished, too... well. he's always been that, hasn't he? even as a sword, even as he was always being left behind - but it's different, being told he's worth more than his blade. even for the past two years with this body, ookurikara has put little thought into his own value, beyond his performance as a sword and a sword warrior. and no one - not even the other date swords, not even mitsutada, his partner - would have ever said that ookurikara, the person, not the sword, was all that they needed at their side, just as he is.

only lili.

he can't hear the words she doesn't say. but he answers the kiss in kind, and once it's done - no. he reaches up, caressing her cheek as he pulls her back to him, and this time kara is the insistent one, as his fingers tangle in her hair. actions were always easier to him than words. he may have no idea how to say he feels the same, that he'd be just as lost if she was killed again, that he'd rather break than let that happen - but surely his actions can say that for him, as he presses their lips together again, forgetting to breath in favor of following these too-human instincts and gently running his tongue over her bottom lip. ]

[they're not the type of people who would give up - if they ever lost each other. they both know that. they're the type of people who would take that anger and that despair, harness it into something all the sharper, and use their rage to stab into the heart of this place. she knows that, and she doesn't think it needs to be said. for the two of them, the need to do what's right will always overpower personal feelings.

that's been the case since they knew that they could get corrupted - and they would never cover for each other. here, it's the same. lili would sooner rightfully send kara to hang than ever let him sit in horror as another too responsibility for his mistakes.

it does not change how painful it would be, to make that choice.

because for all that lili is righteous and good, she is just as much a creature of emotion and greed. nothing is ever good enough for her, because there is always something better to be done with the world. there are always improvements to be made in her lands, and ways that everyone's living situations can be made better.

the single exception to this treatment is ookurikara. kara, who is already everything that lili could ever want in a partner, in a lover, in the person that she's gotten to choose for herself. no matter how he thinks he's failing - to her, he's always been good enough. and any areas in which he doesn't excel, it's up to her to make up for until he can catch up with her because no matter what, they're always meant to be together.

a brief noise of surprise escapes her when he kisses her again, until it melts into something short and pleased. he steals her breath away as she gasps softly, lips parting for him, even as her arms circle around his neck and pull him just as close to her until no space is left between them. he can have as much of her as he wants.

it's easier this way - even if she's sure that he can feel the way that her heart is beating so furiously it's trying to escape her ribcage.]

[ there's a whisper of an irrational thought in the back of his mind, when lili makes that sound - he likes it, and he wants to hear it again. it's lost the second her lips part, and kara finds himself pressing closer to take advantage, with a quiet, pleased sound of his own as her arms wrap around his neck. he kisses her once - twice - three times - or more, he's lost count by the time he has to pull back for air. still, he holds her close, resting against her forehead as he catches his breath, entirely unaware of the light dusting of color on his cheeks.

actions are easier than words - but kara does wonder if he knows the right ones, for something like this. they've kissed before, after all. it was different, somehow, he doesn't know the subtleties... but still a kiss. it's all he knows yet, but does that tell lili what he can't find the words to say?

does it tell her that he feels the same? that ookurikara wants her as much as she wants him?

does it say how much she means to him? that his fears don't matter so much, when lili is here with him

does it show how, even though he never risks letting anyone close, he doesn't want to let her go? ]

[it's a bit silly - how much she enjoys it. to want and to be wanted, even amidst everything that's going on around them, manages to get to her in a way that is exciting and comforting at once. eager as she is, she meets him for every kiss without hesitation, even if her brain short circuits for a few seconds there when he offers that quiet sound of his own.

wow! sexy! she's a goner!

she hates that she thinks that she could get used to this, at least - how the girls mentioned that there are some kisses that are better than others, and the ones where kara shows how much he wants her too are enough to make her knees weak.]

[up until she pulls back and she's catching her own breath but she can't help but gasp - not with heat this time, but just with excitement

and she lets her hand come up to his face, thumb brushing against the high arches of his cheeks]

—finally!

You're blushing too!

[aaaaaAAAAAAA EXCITING]

[ he's a little dazed when they first come out of it, enough that he doesn't quite catch her meaning, but it clicks when she touches his cheek. he makes a face and tries to brush her hand away. ]

Stop.

[no.

sorry kara she's laughing - like is she still red? absolutely. but does she not mind at all because so is kara?

yea.]

No!

[ a man was sentenced to death and here is lili, laughing at him for blushing - but it's already beginning to fade. so he rolls his eyes, drops his arms from around her, and steps back. he likes her laugh, but. tsuns, you know? ]

[she cannot be blamed for laughing when kara literally just kissed the heavens out of her, neither of them are thinking about sending an innocent to dying

but she's just going to pout at that, just following after instead and wrapping her arms around his middle so he can't go far]

Oh come on, you always make fun of me...!

[SHE GETS TO DO THE SAME]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

[1/2]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject