I don't really know if you're going to give me a chance to get back to them?
[but she doesn't seem to mind as much, considering that it's ash. she's just being sassy. she'll gesture for him to take a seat beside her if he wants.]
[ initially, he's... kind of relieved she's back and steady on two feet again, even if he is kinda concerned that this comes with an increased likelihood of her losing body parts in the future. So... y'know.
The memory takes him by surprise, enough that he's only vaguely aware that this process is going both ways, and one of his own memories (5:02 - 7:58) is being broadcast as well. But still a little aware, enough to make a sort of angered noise when he realises what's going on. ]
she'd been told about this - that there were places where memories were exchanged further than just between partners. and of course there's no partners to be found in this place, right? still, it startles her and even when he makes an angered noise, she finds herself blinking.
her memory is old news to her. there's an ache that comes with it, the knowledge that she hasn't spoken to her father since that day, but it's dull.
the pain in his voice and the suffering that he went through, though - lili doesn't cry often these days, but it still manages to force tears to spring at the corners of her eyes]
I'd rather not use my head for it, if my arms aren't restrained.
[she responds almost on automatic, even as her hands come up to wipe at her eyes, almost embarrassed by how affected she is. she can't really find the words to respond for a while, because it feels... well.
wrong.]
... you didn't want to tell anyone, right? But this place made you.
[ . . . . ]
I won't - force you to say anything else to me, if you don't want to. [she'd said it, right? that none of it matters unless he tells her. willingly.] But at the same time, I....
[does she have any right to say these words to him?]
... you shouldn't have suffered like that. And if you're still suffering, I— [she'll what? what can she do?] .... you don't have to carry it alone.
[ the tears are cute. in their own way. kinda weird to have someone crying over him though, so he just reaches out and rests a hand on her head -- he's not really sure what to do with it, and he doesn't linger but... there, there? ]
Hamel's the kind of shit only the unlucky, or the privileged few get to know about, depending on who you ask. These kinds of place seem to eat that up and spit it out when you least expect it.
[ ... ]
Officially it was "wiped out in a landslide", and "there were no survivors" so I sorta do. Sorry, Princess.
[ . . . . . officially, he says. because that's what public records say. that's what the government will say - that's what his memory implied, right? that those in power will cover it up, and even if someone will try to take the brunt of the punishment of ash's suffering, what does it really do?
his hand comes up to her head, and she lets it - but only for a moment. she'll reach up and maybe her fingers are trembling, but she tries to steel them when they circle around ash's wrist.]
... You don't need to apologize to me. You don't need to apologize to anyone...! They're the ones who owe you...!
[and it's hard to say if her hand is trembling from emotion or anger, but her voice shakes with whatever it is, too.]
I'm not asking anyone to shoulder that shit either. [ he shrugs, as best he can with a hand around his wrist and the angle his arm's at. ]
I'd say shooting the guy in the chest three times probably counts as a comeuppance, but I couldn't tell you why I wanted it in the first place.
[ that's the point really -- the voice was always something that had been with him, but he didn't know why, or what it is. he'd never really questioned it, until two men he'd been willing to throw the whole mess of blame at had argued over which of them should be the one he shot. and by then it was too late, and he doesn't remember anything after that anyway. ]
How the hell'd you end up in the gallows anyway? Pick a fight with the wrong person? Corrupt government shit doesn't surprise me anymore.
[ . . . . she doesn't drop his hand so much as she lowers it into the space between them. her brow furrows, like she's not sure if that's enough - but perhaps she's not exactly the most forgiving person. is it enough for an official to pay with their life?]
.... you didn't even get to be in control of yourself? And you... endured that on your own? [by himself?
but she'll accept the question, and she'll narrow her eyes before admitting, as if finally ashamed of something.]
... I was looking for nadai - like I told you. But I... was tricked, by a woman who I thought needed help. Instead, she abducted me and my friend and brought us to a neighboring country that was building a fort. They stole away my people and made them into slaves to work in the scorching heat. There was no water, just wine mixed with nadai - so their bodies would be able to keep working, even as their minds crumbled.
A soldier tried to force it down my throat - and later in one evening, he tried to attack me. Yona came to help me... but he would've killed her if I didn't get to him first. So... I did.
We ran away, but they found us. I thought... I could hide her away and they could catch me, because it was my mistake that she was in that mess in the first place.
[ he shifts his hand so he can sort of... pat it against hers? there there. ] I wanted the answers, sure. Not sure about anything else, but if I did it then maybe a little part of me was mad enough to want it. Who knows what the fuck was happening. [ haha, he doesn't even realise it was a curse, really. ]
...
Shit, I knew you said it was a problem, but it was that deeprooted? [ shit. ] Were they they source of the nadai?
[the hand pat manages to get her expression to shift - if only because she hates that he's the one consoling her over this. it feels wrong, and weak of her.]
.... I want to know 'what the fuck was happening' - [she repeats, but only in the sense of - ] - not because I want to intrude on your business but I think... you deserve to know. You deserve so much more than what you were given.
[and it bothers her. so deeply and intensely.
though at the question, she just frowns.]
Mm... we knew it was coming from outside my lands, maybe they were the source, but we weren't able to take out every part. There's still work to be done, but -
.... I was saved at the end. [and that looks like it frustrates her.] They said the king shot an arrow to cut the rope before I was hanged.
[ ... ] Oh, don't get me wrong. I know why Hamel happened, Scarecrow coughed that up after enough persuasion. If you're high enough up the military, or one of the survivors shares it, then you're privy to all the dirty little secrets Erebonia tried to cover up.
[ hm. ]
... I want to be surprised you look pissed at getting rescued, but that seems about right for you. [ he shifts to bump his shoulder against hers. ] Congrats on not getting yourself killed.
But it's not just about Hamel - even if that in and of itself is atrocious - it's about what happened to you!
[and she's angry enough that she'll turn her hand to catch his, gripping onto it like it'll make her point come across any clearer. she's clumsy, and she doesn't have the words most of the time - so she'll use all she's got.
she'll take the shoulder bump when it comes, even if it huffs]
It was my mistake in the first place that put me and my most important person in danger... Everything turned out fine but -
y'know. it might not look like it? with the whole uh. shooting the emperor of erebonia three times thing? but trust me, he did better than the other two overall. ]
You've got a real talent for beating yourself up over shit that sometimes just flies way off the handle.
[yea she has no idea what happened to the other two but - there's still something about it that doesn't seem to sit right with her.]
.... it's not like I don't want that to be true - I think I'm still just... angry for you. But I also don't know what to say to you, or if you even want any words about it.
[and yet she doesn't know if she's going to be able to let that feeling of contempt go, even though he seems to be more casual about it. but she's always been pretty angry, especially when it comes to the people she's come to care for.]
Yeah, it's easier not to bring it up. [ see? why he just doesn't? no one's business, why explain? ]
You kinda do though. I bet Schwarzer'd have some words for you about relying on the people around you and understanding they do the same for you, blah blah blah.
[ there's your answer. please wait for cs4 where he'll get a collar shaking by kurt and admit he trusts his friends. ]
'Sides, Class VII already knew about Hamel. They just didn't need to know about me too. [ because it's no one's business. ]
But I can rely on them for other things. Even if it's a total pain, and they can be real stick in the muds, they're good at what they do. And good at seeing things through. [ ... ] You and the Wild Filly'd either get on really well or loathe each other, probably, come to think of it.
[she struggles with it - because she gets it. she gets that sometimes all you need to know is that you can rely on others to be good at other things. she doesn't really know who the Wild Filly is, and she figures that's something she can ask later but.
there's a point she wants to make, she's just. too awkward to make it. it's hard.]
I didn't mean just at your home, I meant... [here.]
It's - frustrating. You always come to check on me when I'm not doing well, but -
[what can she do in exchange? and maybe that's the point he was trying to make, about not beating herself up, but isn't this different? this isn't about helping the whole camp, it's about helping the person in front of her. it's about helping ash.
even if it's embarrassing, and it's hard to get the words out, she has a feeling it won't happen if she doesn't force them. it's mortifying, and her face is a bit red, but she doesn't want to be a coward anymore.
she shifts her grip on his hand, now holding on with both of her own]
Just... rely on me too! Stupid! Even if I don't know what to say - you don't have to carry things on your own....!
[ it's a very weird scenario to go from... just you, then just you and one other person against the world, and then back to just you but with the weird knowledge that even if people aren't directly sticking their nose in your business, they're looking out for you. ash has been there and done that, with him and his mom, and with the people of raquel after she passed.
opening up to people is... tiring. and a lot. and way too sappy and vulnerable for his liking. but they are kinda in the middle of another death game, with strangers and not-so-strangers for company.
get along, or die, is that it? ]
...
[ ... it might be bad that it kinda startles a surprised laugh out of him, really, but the hand that's trapped in hers squeezes whichever hand is on the bottom, as best he can. ]
Walk the walk if you're gonna talk the talk.
[ like not yeeting your limbs into a grinder, and not assuming that physical mutilation is a reasonable price for more information without considering the people around you, and how they feel. does that make him hypocritical? probably. but that isn't the point. ]
I'm not used to it. So I can't guarantee I'll always do it. But I'll give it a try.
[when he laughs at her, she turns more red? she hates this. at first it manages to get her defenses up, because she always assumes the worst when she gets laughed at but - he squeezes her hand, and she settles. just a little bit.]
... get used to it...
[because she's going to harass him about it? probably. because that's all lili can really do. be stubborn, and force her way into things, whether it's information or other people's trust. she wants to respect ash's boundaries as much as she can, given how close to the chest he kept things but -
now that it's out there, why wouldn't she want to support him in anyway that she can?]
I have expectations of you, so don't let me down. I think if you actually put effort into it, there's no way you'll fail.
she realizes belatedly that she definitely took his hand hostage during this conversation and then she's going to get startled at her own boldness, pulling back]
too late though, he’s got one of her hands and he’s waving it slightly. lili, you’re being very soft right now. ]
I’m pretty sure if you keep up what you’re doing, that’ll cover it.
[ well, at least they’re not focused on the mess of ash’s past now. ] If you can look gallows in the eye and not be afraid of it, you can keep looking this place in the eye and do the same, right?
[ it’s not insurmountable, even if it may feel like it sometimes. they’ve all done this before, and they just need to do it again, with a bit more feeling this time. and something about getting messed with twice in a row can leave someone with a real deep desire to survive out of nothing but stubbornness and anger. or outrage, depending on how you process it.
nothing like channelling that into something more positive. ]
‘Sides, we’re all still sharing info, right? Even if your Chatterbox has got a bee in his bonnet for Akira right now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[but she doesn't seem to mind as much, considering that it's ash. she's just being sassy. she'll gesture for him to take a seat beside her if he wants.]
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[ he's. gonna sit down fully aware it's putting him directly in smacking distance, it's fine. ]
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[she's no longer emotionally and physically compromised from watching a man's arm get beaten to a pulp
so she's 100% going to use her good arm to just smack him in the shoulder
which, obviously, is going to trigger a memory. whoops!
. . . though perhaps it'll at least answer an old question, of whether or not lili would bother to fight for her life.]
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[ initially, he's... kind of relieved she's back and steady on two feet again, even if he is kinda concerned that this comes with an increased likelihood of her losing body parts in the future. So... y'know.
The memory takes him by surprise, enough that he's only vaguely aware that this process is going both ways, and one of his own memories (5:02 - 7:58) is being broadcast as well. But still a little aware, enough to make a sort of angered noise when he realises what's going on. ]
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she'd been told about this - that there were places where memories were exchanged further than just between partners. and of course there's no partners to be found in this place, right? still, it startles her and even when he makes an angered noise, she finds herself blinking.
her memory is old news to her. there's an ache that comes with it, the knowledge that she hasn't spoken to her father since that day, but it's dull.
the pain in his voice and the suffering that he went through, though - lili doesn't cry often these days, but it still manages to force tears to spring at the corners of her eyes]
—Ash?
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he's quiet for a moment, but he laughs -- it sounds a bit hollow, but it's a laugh regardless. ]
Well damn, look at that. You didn't need anyone to tell you how to knock a guy flat, did you?
[ if it seems like he's avoiding the elephant in the room then... well. Yes. He is. ]
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I'd rather not use my head for it, if my arms aren't restrained.
[she responds almost on automatic, even as her hands come up to wipe at her eyes, almost embarrassed by how affected she is. she can't really find the words to respond for a while, because it feels... well.
wrong.]
... you didn't want to tell anyone, right? But this place made you.
[ . . . . ]
I won't - force you to say anything else to me, if you don't want to. [she'd said it, right? that none of it matters unless he tells her. willingly.] But at the same time, I....
[does she have any right to say these words to him?]
... you shouldn't have suffered like that. And if you're still suffering, I— [she'll what? what can she do?] .... you don't have to carry it alone.
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Hamel's the kind of shit only the unlucky, or the privileged few get to know about, depending on who you ask. These kinds of place seem to eat that up and spit it out when you least expect it.
[ ... ]
Officially it was "wiped out in a landslide", and "there were no survivors" so I sorta do. Sorry, Princess.
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his hand comes up to her head, and she lets it - but only for a moment. she'll reach up and maybe her fingers are trembling, but she tries to steel them when they circle around ash's wrist.]
... You don't need to apologize to me. You don't need to apologize to anyone...! They're the ones who owe you...!
[and it's hard to say if her hand is trembling from emotion or anger, but her voice shakes with whatever it is, too.]
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I'd say shooting the guy in the chest three times probably counts as a comeuppance, but I couldn't tell you why I wanted it in the first place.
[ that's the point really -- the voice was always something that had been with him, but he didn't know why, or what it is. he'd never really questioned it, until two men he'd been willing to throw the whole mess of blame at had argued over which of them should be the one he shot. and by then it was too late, and he doesn't remember anything after that anyway. ]
How the hell'd you end up in the gallows anyway? Pick a fight with the wrong person? Corrupt government shit doesn't surprise me anymore.
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.... you didn't even get to be in control of yourself? And you... endured that on your own? [by himself?
but she'll accept the question, and she'll narrow her eyes before admitting, as if finally ashamed of something.]
... I was looking for nadai - like I told you. But I... was tricked, by a woman who I thought needed help. Instead, she abducted me and my friend and brought us to a neighboring country that was building a fort. They stole away my people and made them into slaves to work in the scorching heat. There was no water, just wine mixed with nadai - so their bodies would be able to keep working, even as their minds crumbled.
A soldier tried to force it down my throat - and later in one evening, he tried to attack me. Yona came to help me... but he would've killed her if I didn't get to him first. So... I did.
We ran away, but they found us. I thought... I could hide her away and they could catch me, because it was my mistake that she was in that mess in the first place.
[and clearly, they did catch her.]
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[ he shifts his hand so he can sort of... pat it against hers? there there. ] I wanted the answers, sure. Not sure about anything else, but if I did it then maybe a little part of me was mad enough to want it. Who knows what the fuck was happening. [ haha, he doesn't even realise it was a curse, really. ]
...
Shit, I knew you said it was a problem, but it was that deeprooted? [ shit. ] Were they they source of the nadai?
[ ... ]
Did you get out of it?
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.... I want to know 'what the fuck was happening' - [she repeats, but only in the sense of - ] - not because I want to intrude on your business but I think... you deserve to know. You deserve so much more than what you were given.
[and it bothers her. so deeply and intensely.
though at the question, she just frowns.]
Mm... we knew it was coming from outside my lands, maybe they were the source, but we weren't able to take out every part. There's still work to be done, but -
.... I was saved at the end. [and that looks like it frustrates her.] They said the king shot an arrow to cut the rope before I was hanged.
[she'd just lost consciousness before then]
But I'm fine.
[sure. fine is a word.]
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[ hm. ]
... I want to be surprised you look pissed at getting rescued, but that seems about right for you. [ he shifts to bump his shoulder against hers. ] Congrats on not getting yourself killed.
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[and she's angry enough that she'll turn her hand to catch his, gripping onto it like it'll make her point come across any clearer. she's clumsy, and she doesn't have the words most of the time - so she'll use all she's got.
she'll take the shoulder bump when it comes, even if it huffs]
It was my mistake in the first place that put me and my most important person in danger... Everything turned out fine but -
I can hate always needing to be rescued.
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y'know. it might not look like it? with the whole uh. shooting the emperor of erebonia three times thing? but trust me, he did better than the other two overall. ]
You've got a real talent for beating yourself up over shit that sometimes just flies way off the handle.
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.... it's not like I don't want that to be true - I think I'm still just... angry for you. But I also don't know what to say to you, or if you even want any words about it.
[and yet she doesn't know if she's going to be able to let that feeling of contempt go, even though he seems to be more casual about it. but she's always been pretty angry, especially when it comes to the people she's come to care for.]
And I don't think I'm beating myself up...
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You kinda do though. I bet Schwarzer'd have some words for you about relying on the people around you and understanding they do the same for you, blah blah blah.
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But what about you? Fine, maybe I ought to listen more but -
It's been brought up now. What you didn't want anyone to know. Do you still feel like you have to shoulder it by yourself?
[isn't that lonely too?]
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[ there's your answer. please wait for cs4 where he'll get a collar shaking by kurt and admit he trusts his friends. ]
'Sides, Class VII already knew about Hamel. They just didn't need to know about me too. [ because it's no one's business. ]
But I can rely on them for other things. Even if it's a total pain, and they can be real stick in the muds, they're good at what they do. And good at seeing things through. [ ... ] You and the Wild Filly'd either get on really well or loathe each other, probably, come to think of it.
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there's a point she wants to make, she's just. too awkward to make it. it's hard.]
I didn't mean just at your home, I meant... [here.]
It's - frustrating. You always come to check on me when I'm not doing well, but -
[what can she do in exchange? and maybe that's the point he was trying to make, about not beating herself up, but isn't this different? this isn't about helping the whole camp, it's about helping the person in front of her. it's about helping ash.
even if it's embarrassing, and it's hard to get the words out, she has a feeling it won't happen if she doesn't force them. it's mortifying, and her face is a bit red, but she doesn't want to be a coward anymore.
she shifts her grip on his hand, now holding on with both of her own]
Just... rely on me too! Stupid! Even if I don't know what to say - you don't have to carry things on your own....!
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opening up to people is... tiring. and a lot. and way too sappy and vulnerable for his liking. but they are kinda in the middle of another death game, with strangers and not-so-strangers for company.
get along, or die, is that it? ]
...
[ ... it might be bad that it kinda startles a surprised laugh out of him, really, but the hand that's trapped in hers squeezes whichever hand is on the bottom, as best he can. ]
Walk the walk if you're gonna talk the talk.
[ like not yeeting your limbs into a grinder, and not assuming that physical mutilation is a reasonable price for more information without considering the people around you, and how they feel. does that make him hypocritical? probably. but that isn't the point. ]
I'm not used to it. So I can't guarantee I'll always do it. But I'll give it a try.
[1/2]
... get used to it...
[because she's going to harass him about it? probably. because that's all lili can really do. be stubborn, and force her way into things, whether it's information or other people's trust. she wants to respect ash's boundaries as much as she can, given how close to the chest he kept things but -
now that it's out there, why wouldn't she want to support him in anyway that she can?]
I have expectations of you, so don't let me down. I think if you actually put effort into it, there's no way you'll fail.
So... I'll do the same.
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she realizes belatedly that she definitely took his hand hostage during this conversation and then she's going to get startled at her own boldness, pulling back]
Eh. Mm. I mean -
[what did she mean
she's embarrassed at herself now]
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too late though, he’s got one of her hands and he’s waving it slightly. lili, you’re being very soft right now. ]
I’m pretty sure if you keep up what you’re doing, that’ll cover it.
[ well, at least they’re not focused on the mess of ash’s past now. ] If you can look gallows in the eye and not be afraid of it, you can keep looking this place in the eye and do the same, right?
[ it’s not insurmountable, even if it may feel like it sometimes. they’ve all done this before, and they just need to do it again, with a bit more feeling this time. and something about getting messed with twice in a row can leave someone with a real deep desire to survive out of nothing but stubbornness and anger. or outrage, depending on how you process it.
nothing like channelling that into something more positive. ]
‘Sides, we’re all still sharing info, right? Even if your Chatterbox has got a bee in his bonnet for Akira right now.
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