his gaze loses focus for a passing moment, then regains its clarity as he sets the chopstick down to split the sticky notes in half. he holds out the bottom half to her.]
You never know when you might need something to write on. Maybe the left paw will help you with finding what you need to know.
[a boom in the information business, so to speak.]
[ - and it's as she takes the bottom half that their hands brush.
and despite the one sentence she uttered, her emotions betray a lot more of what she's feeling. for one, there's the acceptance of the sticky notes - coupled with an underlying thrum of what can only be called determination. desperation. the way that lili proceeds in all things, that she'll accept everything even if she doesn't deserve it, because she needs to take everything she can in order to succeed.
but she doesn't deserve it. the bewilderment is stronger, the confusion over being given something - from someone so kind. the oddity of what it's like to be given without having to make demands or give instruction. it's a new feeling, one that has only been known since zenitsu first offered his power without having to be asked. there's an acknowledgment that she doesn't deserve this, given how she wronged him before - guilt swirling in the background.
and then there is the final piece: the tiny, chirping, happy feeling of someone who gets to receive for once. it's nearly smothered by everything else. but it's there. fragile and easy to miss.]
[and with the notes, he passes on to her his hope—hope that this will help her even in the slightest, because his self-doubt looms ever behind him. at its core is resignation to the fact that he'll never amount to anything, leaving him with the buzzing yearning for love that borders on painful by sending a pang through his heart. (and yet, despite all that, he continues to hope that maybe next time someone will love, because it's him.)
but at the forefront are awe and admiration for the resolute girl before him, who always picks herself back up with that no-nonsense attitude of hers. behind them is adoration for a girl who demanded a conversation about his artificial troubles, impressing on him that he wasn't (for once) at fault for what had happened; who considered his hurts and came to him with nothing but kindness in her meal and gift. this is a beautiful girl, he feels with confidence, who can and will make a difference.
all the respect he has to give is the reason he blinks and looks at her in baffled surprise at what he receives in return. the guilt, bewilderment, and desperation—by the time he runs through them again, they've already faded.
but he'll never forget that small spark of happiness.]
[he barely knows anything about her. it creates resistance in the echoes of their connection, almost defensive. like she can't let herself believe the nice things that he's thinking, because it'd be dangerous. there's always a chance that he's going to change his mind, once he gets to know more about her.
and so she pulls her hand away like she's been burned - but the connection lasts for five seconds afterward, and lili has plenty of emotions to that can fill five seconds.
because there is something about his impression of her that aches, that squeezes her heart in a way that's almost painful. there's a whisper of i want to believe you, because lili is greedy. she is always wanting. she wants to take everything that she's given, even kindness that she's not sure that she deserves. the makes tears gather at the edges of her eyes as she always, always reaches for some nebulous idea that everything that she does might be worth it -
even as it wars with the understanding that she doesn't. how can she focus on herself when there is so much about him that still yearns for affection the same way that she does? when he deserves it far more, because he knows how to say nice things, and he knows how to give to others?
she looks away, as if it'll hide the emotions that are plain on her face.]
[her desperation takes yet another surprising turn before she rips her hand away. in his shock, he hasn't processed her feelings quickly enough for her to get much from him before contact is broken. mostly there's a sliver of something like hesitation as he wonders if he's messed something up again.
he blinks away familiar tears of insecurity while his heart clenches at the injustice. she works so hard, yet she's unable to take pride in her efforts. she wonders if he'll dislike her once he sees more about her nature, and it's all so very familiar.
his hand, still all this time, finally lowers to the table.
he wants to reach out and take that hand again as a show of comfort, just like he and anya used to do for each other. but if he does that now, lili really might start crying and zenitsu doesn't want that. there's an uncomfortable pause before he leans forward with renewed zeal.]
[ . . . . when he leans forward, she leans back, blinking. still, it startles her enough to face him again - and her expression is one of surprise, of slight awe and wonder.]
... I—
[she knows she can, is the thing. because it lines up with everything else zenitsu has done, everything else he's given her.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
his gaze loses focus for a passing moment, then regains its clarity as he sets the chopstick down to split the sticky notes in half. he holds out the bottom half to her.]
You never know when you might need something to write on. Maybe the left paw will help you with finding what you need to know.
[a boom in the information business, so to speak.]
no subject
she'll take it, but.]
... why do you keep... giving me things?
[ - and it's as she takes the bottom half that their hands brush.
and despite the one sentence she uttered, her emotions betray a lot more of what she's feeling. for one, there's the acceptance of the sticky notes - coupled with an underlying thrum of what can only be called determination. desperation. the way that lili proceeds in all things, that she'll accept everything even if she doesn't deserve it, because she needs to take everything she can in order to succeed.
but she doesn't deserve it. the bewilderment is stronger, the confusion over being given something - from someone so kind. the oddity of what it's like to be given without having to make demands or give instruction. it's a new feeling, one that has only been known since zenitsu first offered his power without having to be asked. there's an acknowledgment that she doesn't deserve this, given how she wronged him before - guilt swirling in the background.
and then there is the final piece: the tiny, chirping, happy feeling of someone who gets to receive for once. it's nearly smothered by everything else. but it's there. fragile and easy to miss.]
no subject
but at the forefront are awe and admiration for the resolute girl before him, who always picks herself back up with that no-nonsense attitude of hers. behind them is adoration for a girl who demanded a conversation about his artificial troubles, impressing on him that he wasn't (for once) at fault for what had happened; who considered his hurts and came to him with nothing but kindness in her meal and gift. this is a beautiful girl, he feels with confidence, who can and will make a difference.
all the respect he has to give is the reason he blinks and looks at her in baffled surprise at what he receives in return. the guilt, bewilderment, and desperation—by the time he runs through them again, they've already faded.
but he'll never forget that small spark of happiness.]
Lili?
no subject
and so she pulls her hand away like she's been burned - but the connection lasts for five seconds afterward, and lili has plenty of emotions to that can fill five seconds.
because there is something about his impression of her that aches, that squeezes her heart in a way that's almost painful. there's a whisper of i want to believe you, because lili is greedy. she is always wanting. she wants to take everything that she's given, even kindness that she's not sure that she deserves. the makes tears gather at the edges of her eyes as she always, always reaches for some nebulous idea that everything that she does might be worth it -
even as it wars with the understanding that she doesn't. how can she focus on herself when there is so much about him that still yearns for affection the same way that she does? when he deserves it far more, because he knows how to say nice things, and he knows how to give to others?
she looks away, as if it'll hide the emotions that are plain on her face.]
Nevermind it.
no subject
he blinks away familiar tears of insecurity while his heart clenches at the injustice. she works so hard, yet she's unable to take pride in her efforts. she wonders if he'll dislike her once he sees more about her nature, and it's all so very familiar.
his hand, still all this time, finally lowers to the table.
he wants to reach out and take that hand again as a show of comfort, just like he and anya used to do for each other. but if he does that now, lili really might start crying and zenitsu doesn't want that. there's an uncomfortable pause before he leans forward with renewed zeal.]
You can believe me!
i'm so mad at you jae
... I—
[she knows she can, is the thing. because it lines up with everything else zenitsu has done, everything else he's given her.]
... You don't... need to tell me that...
[but he
kind of does.]
i am the victim, not the instigator
Even if you don't need me to, I'll tell you—as many times as you want! You're awesome, and you're doing great!