[ His mental image of Hak now: a huge gorilla-sized man with lazy eyes, a mouth that never closes, and meaty fists. How would Lili ever have met a guy like that...?!
He still Doesn't Understand, but he's going to try to be encouraging... despite the fact that Lili just told him to stop doing that. ]
M, maybe it's better if we both stay away from him, then...? [ He'll be on the lookout for strange gorillamen all day, thanks Lili. ] If you see him... let me know. We can both go somewhere else to have fun...
I will but -- [ . . . mmph, she didn't want to think about this. She shakes her head ever so slightly.] It... doesn't matter. He doesn't want anything to do with me either.
Just -- don't get in trouble with him! He's an idiot and a brute but his brawn is all he's good for!
[So don't try to do something stupid or heroic, okok!!]
You're reckless with yourself.... So it's unacceptable if you were to get hurt again, that's all.
[CLARIFYING THAT FIRST.... with a dainty little huff.
Before... her shoulders sink a little bit again, and she's going to toss her hair over her shoulder - though with a little bit less confidence than usual. She's trying to find her strength of will again.... and she just shakes her head slowly.]
He... wasn't. He was an ally, actually. Both he and... another girl here are from my world but....
[Augh, it's been a while since she actually had to think of this. Even though she was so stern with him just a moment ago, she can't help but feel a little bit of a sting of pain at the reminder that her closest friends here didn't even know her name. So she tries to tuck her hair behind her ear just to give her hands something to fuss with.]
They don't... remember me, for some reason. It's-- It's nothing, but....
[ And then he realizes that time works strangely here, that not everyone comes from the same 'timeline', as it's been explained to him. It's absurd, and it's also crushing— why would this place do something like that? Wasn't taking their worlds away from them bad enough?
He can't even begin to imagine how Lili feels, especially since he's of the opinion that Lili is the type of person who wouldn't be able to (wouldn't want to) articulate herself, even if she wanted help. For someone like that to lose people she considers allies... ]
...That's cruel. That just isn't fair.
[ He doesn't know what he'd do in a situation like that, and he feels profoundly useless for it— his brows knit, his lips draw into a tight line. ]
Yes, it stings and -- yes, she fails rather terribly when it comes to expressing her emotions. In truth, she doesn't like talking about it and so she lashes out now, unhappy with the way that Atsushi looks sad now and it's her fault. Is it pity that he's feeling? Does she come across as pathetic? Ah yes, of course she can't make friends so this is even worse, right?
[ That hurts even more, her insistence that it's nothing; projection, most likely, but it's the sort of thing he can't leave alone, not when it's delivered with spikes and barbs. ]
It's... it's not nothing! Don't say things like that— of course it hurts, when you lose things!
[ These are things he wasn't allowed to feel, spurned and wretched child that he was. But for every inch he was denied, he's stubborn about giving.
Everyone needs to be allowed to feel things, right? So he digs into the ground with his feet, argues because this is strangely the one thing he has a backbone about. ]
It's not pity...! But you can't just let yourself hurt and tell yourself that it's nothing!
[Of course it hurts when you lose things - but Lili is already too pained to be able to put it into words. She didn't want to talk about this today. She didn't want to talk about this ever, not when her answers are already so far from her. She's met with Yona and it's confirmed - the other girl still wants to be her friend.
But what if she gets hurt again? Then Lili really won't be able to forgive herself so she just can't help but lash out--]
Shut up...!!
Stop acting like you know me! [Even if... he does. More than what she's been able to tell a lot of people here.] It's not that easy.
I can't do anything about it, so what's the point? What do you want me to do? What gives you the right...?!
[And she's making a scene, she knows it, her voice raised and her hands shaking even as she tries to fold her arms across her chest. But she's always been bad at handling her own emotions.]
[ He flinches, of course he does: there's not a hint of a lie in anything she's saying, and it's true when they say that the truth hurts.
But he presses forward anyway, still digs into this as if his own life depends on it. ]
—You're right. I don't know enough about you, and I definitely don't have the right to make judgments about you.
But I don't want you to feel that way— to hurt, and to be afraid all the time about it. That kind of thing... it makes it impossible for you to move forward.
You're so strong, Lili-san. I'd never want you to have to hurt yourself and not be able to keep moving.
[She recoils as if she's just been slapped, wincing and turning her back to him if it means that he won't see the tears in her eyes. She's angry, she's angry -- right?
In a moment like this, she's supposed to be angry to have someone stepping on her pride. Saying that she won't be able to move forward even though every single part of her has been trying to be stronger. To get better. To not be so weak. What she's feeling though, what's making her hands shake....]
Leave. Take your misunderstandings with you—
I have no interest in explaining myself to someone like you!
[Is she afraid of her own pain?
No, that can't be it.
It feels like right now she's still inviting more—but she doesn't know how to make it stop.]
[ Ah, now he's done it: this isn't the first time he's seen those fierce looks and those stinging tears, and he feels as badly as he did with Miss Lucy Maud Montgomery (another girl he hadn't been able to help).
Even with Lili's back to him, Atsushi knows that that's what this is.
He squeezes his eyes shut, as if that'd help him keep his nerves in check. ]
You... don't have to explain yourself. But I can't just leave you here—
[ 'By yourself'? 'Hurting'? He hates himself every day for not having the strength or capability to be strong, upright, to have the right words to say what he means.
[The words get stuck in her throat, as close to tears as she is. They sting at the corners of her eyes and she furiously wipes at them with her sleeve, sick and tired of her own tendency to cry when she can't find anything else to do. How often does she find herself in this situation?
Lost? Confused? Lonely? Lashing out at other people who don't deserve it?
She can't bring herself to turn back to him yet, even though she does shake her head.]
It's not fair....
[Her voice shakes, but she tries to push the words through anyway, even if they're still not as honest as she wants to be.
It's not fair for him to suffer through her company.
But she's scared to admit that. What if he really doesn't talk to her again?]
[ None of it is fair, is it? Their situation, the flippancy with which they had to accept that this is their current life in limbo, the indifference of the people keeping them here.
Lili doesn't have a single thing to apologize for, in Atsushi's mind: he pried first, he knows how difficult it is for some people to disclose things, to admit difficult things.
So he shakes his head, not that Lili can see. Keeps his expression steady, if regretful. ]
—I'm sorry. If you really want me to leave... I'll go.
But... I still haven't won you anything, and— ah, I guess I can make up for that sometime else, though...
[Her answer is as quiet as it is untrue. There's a lot that she wants. She wants his company. She wants to not be so alone. She wants some reminder that maybe there is some hope for her in this world. More than any of that, she really wants his understand but-
But she doesn't know how to say it in such a public place and not when it feels like she doesn't know where she stands with anything anymore.
Is she afraid? She's still puzzling over it. Is she really afraid?
When she looks back at him, she's wiped most of the tears from her eyes and she tries so very hard to make her gaze hard - but she doesn't succeed in ridding it of anxiousness.]
[ He's not sure what to do now, with Lili looking at him with her hardened eyes and squared posture. Should he insist? Is that overstepping, when he's in the wrong?
His strategy is always too simple, clumsy and scrabbling— he reaches, because it's the only thing he can be sure that he can do. He walks towards her with uncertain footsteps, but he moves forward because he's scared to death of huddling on the ground again.
When he gets within range, he tries to hand his stuffed animal to Lili, stupid expression and floppy arms and all. What he goes for is a smile, because despite everything, he still wishes he could do more. ]
I can go, but... will you keep this for me...?
[ 'Haku' dangles in his palm like a misshapen peace offering. ]
I know you don't want it, so... I'll come get it back from you. Whenever you're okay with seeing me again.
[Admittedly she moves a little bit like a frightened animal when he walks closer, flinching and turning away when he extends his hand at first. Even if he's the least offensive person in the world, even if he's only been kind to her, she's still so uncertain and paranoid and her expectation of kindness is nonexistent--]
[ He supposes that he should feel more put-off, probably. But he looks slightly puzzled, with his head angled at that feline angle, like a housepet that isn't quite sure what its human counterpart is so upset about. ]
Why... am I doing this? [ just to clarify. ] Because...
[ 'We're friends, aren't we?', is what he'd like to say, but— he's a coward, he's not so presumptuous as to say that, so he waffles. ]
There are ways that she could tell him that. She could say it. She could hold onto his sleeve. She could do something - but she's still a coward, too. It's too scary. It's too embarrassing. Even if she wants him to be around, she can't tell him.
Still...]
We... promised, right?
[To be there for each other if needed. Right now, she doesn't feel like it's needed but....
It's nice to know that even now, it's not the end. Even if she's mad(?), it doesn't mean they won't see each other again.
Tentatively, gingerly, she'll take the doll from him.]
.... I won't keep it for too long. It's still... gross.
[And maybe she'll find the courage to tell him that she wants to see him again, too.]
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He still Doesn't Understand, but he's going to try to be encouraging... despite the fact that Lili just told him to stop doing that. ]
M, maybe it's better if we both stay away from him, then...? [ He'll be on the lookout for strange gorillamen all day, thanks Lili. ] If you see him... let me know. We can both go somewhere else to have fun...
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Just -- don't get in trouble with him! He's an idiot and a brute but his brawn is all he's good for!
[So don't try to do something stupid or heroic, okok!!]
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[ He laughs a little about that, as if he can't believe it (even if it's absolutely true). ]
But, before I drop the subject— was he an enemy of yours...?
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[CLARIFYING THAT FIRST.... with a dainty little huff.
Before... her shoulders sink a little bit again, and she's going to toss her hair over her shoulder - though with a little bit less confidence than usual. She's trying to find her strength of will again.... and she just shakes her head slowly.]
He... wasn't. He was an ally, actually. Both he and... another girl here are from my world but....
[Augh, it's been a while since she actually had to think of this. Even though she was so stern with him just a moment ago, she can't help but feel a little bit of a sting of pain at the reminder that her closest friends here didn't even know her name. So she tries to tuck her hair behind her ear just to give her hands something to fuss with.]
They don't... remember me, for some reason. It's-- It's nothing, but....
[Well.
It's not fine.]
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[ And then he realizes that time works strangely here, that not everyone comes from the same 'timeline', as it's been explained to him. It's absurd, and it's also crushing— why would this place do something like that? Wasn't taking their worlds away from them bad enough?
He can't even begin to imagine how Lili feels, especially since he's of the opinion that Lili is the type of person who wouldn't be able to (wouldn't want to) articulate herself, even if she wanted help. For someone like that to lose people she considers allies... ]
...That's cruel. That just isn't fair.
[ He doesn't know what he'd do in a situation like that, and he feels profoundly useless for it— his brows knit, his lips draw into a tight line. ]
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[Even if she says that rather harshly.
Yes, it stings and -- yes, she fails rather terribly when it comes to expressing her emotions. In truth, she doesn't like talking about it and so she lashes out now, unhappy with the way that Atsushi looks sad now and it's her fault. Is it pity that he's feeling? Does she come across as pathetic? Ah yes, of course she can't make friends so this is even worse, right?
She imagines her own cruel explanations.]
I don't need your pity! Take it elsewhere!
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It's... it's not nothing! Don't say things like that— of course it hurts, when you lose things!
[ These are things he wasn't allowed to feel, spurned and wretched child that he was. But for every inch he was denied, he's stubborn about giving.
Everyone needs to be allowed to feel things, right? So he digs into the ground with his feet, argues because this is strangely the one thing he has a backbone about. ]
It's not pity...! But you can't just let yourself hurt and tell yourself that it's nothing!
[ hypocrite 101. ]
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But what if she gets hurt again? Then Lili really won't be able to forgive herself so she just can't help but lash out--]
Shut up...!!
Stop acting like you know me! [Even if... he does. More than what she's been able to tell a lot of people here.] It's not that easy.
I can't do anything about it, so what's the point? What do you want me to do? What gives you the right...?!
[And she's making a scene, she knows it, her voice raised and her hands shaking even as she tries to fold her arms across her chest. But she's always been bad at handling her own emotions.]
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But he presses forward anyway, still digs into this as if his own life depends on it. ]
—You're right. I don't know enough about you, and I definitely don't have the right to make judgments about you.
But I don't want you to feel that way— to hurt, and to be afraid all the time about it. That kind of thing... it makes it impossible for you to move forward.
You're so strong, Lili-san. I'd never want you to have to hurt yourself and not be able to keep moving.
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In a moment like this, she's supposed to be angry to have someone stepping on her pride. Saying that she won't be able to move forward even though every single part of her has been trying to be stronger. To get better. To not be so weak. What she's feeling though, what's making her hands shake....]
Leave. Take your misunderstandings with you—
I have no interest in explaining myself to someone like you!
[Is she afraid of her own pain?
No, that can't be it.
It feels like right now she's still inviting more—but she doesn't know how to make it stop.]
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Even with Lili's back to him, Atsushi knows that that's what this is.
He squeezes his eyes shut, as if that'd help him keep his nerves in check. ]
You... don't have to explain yourself. But I can't just leave you here—
[ 'By yourself'? 'Hurting'? He hates himself every day for not having the strength or capability to be strong, upright, to have the right words to say what he means.
His breath whistles in the back of his throat. ]
—It wouldn't be fair to you, would it...?
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[The words get stuck in her throat, as close to tears as she is. They sting at the corners of her eyes and she furiously wipes at them with her sleeve, sick and tired of her own tendency to cry when she can't find anything else to do. How often does she find herself in this situation?
Lost? Confused? Lonely? Lashing out at other people who don't deserve it?
She can't bring herself to turn back to him yet, even though she does shake her head.]
It's not fair....
[Her voice shakes, but she tries to push the words through anyway, even if they're still not as honest as she wants to be.
It's not fair for him to suffer through her company.
But she's scared to admit that. What if he really doesn't talk to her again?]
It's even more unfair for you to stay....!
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Lili doesn't have a single thing to apologize for, in Atsushi's mind: he pried first, he knows how difficult it is for some people to disclose things, to admit difficult things.
So he shakes his head, not that Lili can see. Keeps his expression steady, if regretful. ]
—I'm sorry. If you really want me to leave... I'll go.
But... I still haven't won you anything, and— ah, I guess I can make up for that sometime else, though...
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[Her answer is as quiet as it is untrue. There's a lot that she wants. She wants his company. She wants to not be so alone. She wants some reminder that maybe there is some hope for her in this world. More than any of that, she really wants his understand but-
But she doesn't know how to say it in such a public place and not when it feels like she doesn't know where she stands with anything anymore.
Is she afraid? She's still puzzling over it. Is she really afraid?
When she looks back at him, she's wiped most of the tears from her eyes and she tries so very hard to make her gaze hard - but she doesn't succeed in ridding it of anxiousness.]
Just go.
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His strategy is always too simple, clumsy and scrabbling— he reaches, because it's the only thing he can be sure that he can do. He walks towards her with uncertain footsteps, but he moves forward because he's scared to death of huddling on the ground again.
When he gets within range, he tries to hand his stuffed animal to Lili, stupid expression and floppy arms and all. What he goes for is a smile, because despite everything, he still wishes he could do more. ]
I can go, but... will you keep this for me...?
[ 'Haku' dangles in his palm like a misshapen peace offering. ]
I know you don't want it, so... I'll come get it back from you. Whenever you're okay with seeing me again.
[1/2]
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She uncurls slowly, relaxing ever so slightly even as she wipes at her eyes just one last time and looks up at him with the most befuddled expression.
It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense. She's been so rude and mean and callous and
And he still wants to see her again?]
Why....?
[How does a person like this exist?]
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[ He supposes that he should feel more put-off, probably. But he looks slightly puzzled, with his head angled at that feline angle, like a housepet that isn't quite sure what its human counterpart is so upset about. ]
Why... am I doing this? [ just to clarify. ] Because...
[ 'We're friends, aren't we?', is what he'd like to say, but— he's a coward, he's not so presumptuous as to say that, so he waffles. ]
I... still want to be around for you, if I can.
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There are ways that she could tell him that. She could say it. She could hold onto his sleeve. She could do something - but she's still a coward, too. It's too scary. It's too embarrassing. Even if she wants him to be around, she can't tell him.
Still...]
We... promised, right?
[To be there for each other if needed. Right now, she doesn't feel like it's needed but....
It's nice to know that even now, it's not the end. Even if she's mad(?), it doesn't mean they won't see each other again.
Tentatively, gingerly, she'll take the doll from him.]
.... I won't keep it for too long. It's still... gross.
[And maybe she'll find the courage to tell him that she wants to see him again, too.]