coastal | [ kara & lili are romance, somehow ]

I know but...

[but this is kind of big, isn't it? she's over here losing her mind about it because it's - love.

and it's a very strange, confident thing for her. to look at ookurikara, and to know that she's in love. she doesn't know when it started, or how it truly began. but that's how she feels. she knows that if there's anyone in the universe that she could care for this much, and feel this strongly for, it's him.

receiving it is - strange, too. it's more than she ever expected, from anyone. lili an doesn't think that people even like her. she doesn't expect it, and she doesn't know what to do with it if people do.

love always felt like something so out of reach.

rather than someone who would so calmly sit across from her, and tell her.]

... It surprised me.

[she lets a hand rest over her heart, where it's beating rapidly - and then it unconsciously moves to hold onto the pendant of his necklace]

It... still surprises me.

[ his eyes follow her hand, watching her grasp at his pendant with a faint feeling of satisfaction.

even so, he can't help but ask: ]

Why would that surprise you?

[ . . . . saying this is hard. because there's something so distinctly depressing and pitiful about saying 'I think I'm difficult to love.' it's implied, every time that lili thinks that she's difficult to even like.

but kara loves her. he affirmed it, so easily. there's never anything that could get him to love her less. that's overwhelming, and she hopes that it's true. that she doesn't make a mistake big enough to compromise that feeling.

she'd do a lot, to hold onto kara's love.]

.... I always knew I'd get married - I just didn't think that love would be a part of it.

[and so she never expected to receive it in general.]

So? We don't have to be married for me to know that I love you.

Edited 2020-07-07 03:51 (UTC)

[ . . . . he's not getting it, is he?

she wonders if it doesn't occur to him - when he was always treasured, even as a sword. yes, he was left behind often, but he was loved. he was cared for. his existence held meaning for people.

. . . ]

I just -

[she nearly tries to talk around it, because this is a confession that she's never shared with anyone. that she never bothered to unpack, because it felt like such an unshakeable truth: she is lili an, and she is unlovable.

but... if she owes anyone her honesty, it's kara.]

... didn't think anyone would love [disastrous, reckless, cowardly] me.

[but she convinced herself a while ago - she didn't need love to do the right thing.]

[ he's quiet for a long moment, because no - he doesn't really understand, but perhaps not for the reasons that lili might expect. sure, ookurikara has been treasured as both a sword and a sword warrior, at least by the date clan and his fellow date swords.

but his smith didn't like him enough to claim him, and even the other date swords are always wondering how they can convince him to be just a little friendlier. only the date clan themselves, his former masters, have ever treasured him, with all his faults, as much as lili an does now. and she still wants him, as he is.

so. in a way, he thinks he gets it.

on the other hand... ]

Well, I do love you.

[ it's not just a feeling, for ookurikara. it's a fact, as strong and sure as his own steel, and he says it just as naturally as he swings his blade. ]

So you can stop worrying about that.

[ . . . . he is so certain.

and it knocks the air out of her lungs. this fact without room to shift or bend: he loves her. she loves him. even for all her adoration and love for geun-tae, she knew nothing would ever truly come of it. he so deeply loved his wife more than anything, and she was willing to accept that. of course. and so it would be that the person she loved would never love her back - until ookurikara.

love really isn't something sensible, or easy. it's not rational. it's just the way that someone makes your heart feel. it's the way that he looks at her, and doesn't look away when she does something shameful.

it's the way that they both knew, and they both reached for the word once it was available to them - and it feels like this has just been their everyday for some time now.

she doesn't know what to say at first, and instead she moves her tea aside. her hand reaches across the table for his, taking his hand between both of hers, claiming his attention. she brings it up to her cheek, lets her face rest in his palm.]

... okay. I won't worry about it anymore.

[when she became aware of the emotion share this week - she immediately put distance between herself and others. they don't get to touch her. she's too wild and too emotional, and others don't need to know everything that rages in her heart.

the exception is kara. (the exception is always kara.)

even if she can't put it into words, she hopes that he can feel it now. the way that being next to him manages to make her heart calm, reassured that it's safe with him. the loneliness that she'd kept locked away, unspoken and unsaid, finally starting to crack with the knowledge that there's someone who cares for her so much. the happiness and comfort that come with the knowledge that he loves her and -

the overwhelming, aching way that she loves him too.]

[ somehow, even knowing this truth, it still makes his breath catch in his throat to feel it secondhand. kara knows a certain kind of loneliness - it's the reason he'd always asked for her to stay, and not leave him behind like all the rest inevitably do. he knows how it feels, to let someone in where no one else has been able to make themselves known. with his hand in hers, lili might feel that echoed back at her, an unwavering faith in her, and the thread of fear that won't go away no matter what he does - fear of being abandoned, certainly, but more than anything, fear of losing lili again, as they struggle to win this game.

she might feel his resolution to protect her, if he can - to carry her to the end even if he has to break.

she might feel the contentedness, in just being close to her, where he's never been comfortable with anyone else, and his desire to have her near as often as they can manage. eventually they'll have to part ways, but there is a certain determination in his heart, to make full use of whatever time they have - because time is so fleeting, for humans, and time spend with them is so precious to a sword.

and she might feel, as sure as the sky is blue, the love he has for her. it doesn't ache, or overwhelm the way hers does, almost making him choke. it simply is, unquestioned and steadfast. kara still isn't sure when, exactly, that happened, but he puts no thought into ti. there's no need, when it's something he knows so well.

emotions have never been his strong suit. even now, he struggles with the weight of lili's and his own - because a heart is really so much, and he's never prepared for how much he feels, too. ookurikara takes a deep breath as he wonders if there's something else he should say, but all he can manage is a single, whispered word, that he hopes can carry the full weight of those feelings all on its own: ]

...Good.

[everything about him grounds her. some of the feelings that settle against her own are surprising - the fear is what seems to stand out. in lili's own feelings, there is none. not in this moment. there is no room for failure in this game, and there is not yet any consideration for what might happen if one of them falls. there's only the determination to move forward, the certainty that everything will be fine - even if it takes walking through hellfire to get there. she has to have hope.

she always has an unwavering hope.

the rest of it almost brings tears to her eyes, and she shuts them for a moment. in the feedback loop of their emotions, in the conversation that's happening unsaid, there is still some room for surprise. even though she said that she wouldn't worry, and even though he has no room for questioning anything, it doesn't mean that she can stop her feelings so easily. there is still the residual shock, the oddity of there's someone in this world who thinks I'm worth loving mixed with oh, I'm so glad that it's you.

but she realizes the way that her emotions can overwhelm - the way that her heart carries so much. if his love is a blue sky, then hers is the way that a sunset reaches into forever, stretching for the horizon, as if the day was not long enough already. it's wanting and greedy, in the way that nothing is ever good enough for lili. she wants kara more than anything else, and loves him in a way that's both confident in its certainty and desperate to never let go, to never let him want for anything.

her hand starts to release his, loosening her hold and pulling away.]

... sorry, I'll - ask before I touch you this week.

[in case it's too much, in case she's too much.

he can love her without wanting to experience everything the way that she does - vividly, wildly.]

[ as she begins to pull away, there is a spike of alarm in kara's. before lili can go too far, he leans forward to grab her hand in his own, to hold onto her as tightly as he ever has. ]

You don't have to apologize. And you don't have to ask.

[ he'll say it again and again, until lili believes him. ookurikara won't be scared away by the emotions in her, wild and always wanting more, always taking whatever he's willing to give. he'd said it before, hadn't he? ookurikara is hers, and that alone means refusing to shy away from what she has to give him in return, even when it's far more than he expected.

he won't run from lili, or anything she feels. and he won't let her go, until she tires of him. he doesn't know how much more he can give than that, but for lili, he will try. ]

[ . . . . . . . . . . . she's realizing how this is starting to work against her.

it happens almost immediately - the surprise in the way that he reaches for her, because she's definitely startled. she wasn't expecting that. coupled with his words, there's the rising embarrassment, based on the way that her cheeks start to color. oh my god. it's such a warm sentiment, one that really makes her think that she has no reason to doubt him ever - but it's also flusters her so, so badly.

they're new feelings - but they also just compound on top of everything that she'd already been feeling before. the adoration mixes with the way her heart stutters, and honestly she's nearly knocked off her feet by how much she feels, a hurricane that is immediate passed onto kara.]

O-Okay but—

[THIS IS EMBARRASSING, TO KNOW THAT HE'S FEELING HOW EMBARRASSED SHE IS, WHICH IS MAKING HER MORE EMBARRASSED]

Maybe - let go of me. For now? Please?

[she never says please.

she's mortified. spare her.]

[ ...lili never says please.

that alone is enough to surprise him into releasing here, after all, and only after another few seconds does her embarrassment fade from his heart. maybe there is a blush lingering on kara's cheeks, a residual, secondhand fluster, but he pays no mind to that. ]

...You don't have to be so embarrassed with me.

[ even after feeling it for himself, he isn't sure that he understands why. if they love each other, then what is there to be embarrassed by? ]

[gods - she breathes out when he lets go of her, and kara will honestly feel some of that relief as the connection fades. when he speaks, she just pouts]

I don't.... It's not something I can control, you know.

[she would love to get to decide how embarrassed she is by something...!!]

[ if he's at all hurt by the relief lili feels, it doesn't show as kara looks away. but maybe she'll feel it, too, right as the connection fades away. ]

I know. [ he does - the heart is something wild, with no way of reining it in. that's why it's so hard to deal with, isn't it? that's why kara runs from it, when he can. ] But I wish you weren't.

[NO

THE HURT

SHE IMMEDIATELY SWERVES - ]

Hey. It's not that I don't trust you, or that I don't want to hold onto you. [SHE IMMEDIATELY WANTS TO GET THIS RIGHT] It's just...

.... It's almost too much for me - that you're aware of everything that I feel.

[it's almost scary.]

But I don't... know how to fix it....

[she doesn't know how to feel less, or even if kara's okay with all of her emotions, she doesn't know if she is.]

I won't touch you if you don't want me to.

[ that much he can promise, right off hand, even as he struggles to find the words to follow. ]

It's... [ hard to describe, for one, kara thinks with a sigh. he doesn't have the words for it, either as a sword or as a sword warrior. ] It's... a lot.

[ and that sounds so pathetic, so belittling, but it's all kara can think of to say. ]

But I don't think you're something that needs to be fixed.

[she doesn't hear it as belittling - she hears it as a fact. lili is always so full of emotions, to the point that her father would confine her in her room if she ever got too worked up over something. she stands out in the water tribe, where the people are calm as still water.

it's the second part that seems to throw her off.]

.... I'm - going to pull away if it ever gets to be too much. And you should pull away too, if it does. I'll understand.

[and she'll be open about that, but she will reach out her hand to him again, palm up.]

.... but just be patient with me until I can reach out for you again, okay?

[if he really wants her to try this, to endure it with him, even if she gets embarrassed. she can't promise she'll do it easily, or that she won't pull away if she ever feels like it'll get so much that her heart can't take it.

but she'll try, for him.]

[ it's... confusing, when lili is asking for distance, but she reaches out to him anyway. so he doesn't take her hand, or even move. ]

...Alright. I'll wait.

[confusing is what she feels right now! because she's not really ready for this, but it seemed to hurt kara when she pulled away, so she -

she wants to be braver, if it's for him.

. . . . ]

I'm trying now, Kara.

[and she'll more intentionally reach out for his hand - but he'll have to close the distance between them, if he wants to.]

[ ...he hesitates, as if expecting lili to change her mind. but a moment later, he moves, and takes her hand. with contact comes a flood of uncertainty, right beside that same, unwavering affection that kara holds for her. if lili wants distance while this is happening, that's fine. - but he doesn't know where that will end. he'll need her to guide him on this.

but he is, as always, here, and has no plans of leaving lili's side. even if her emotions are a little overwhelming. ]

[ . . . well, he'll be met with uncertainty that matches his. the nervousness that comes with the contact, especially knowing just how strong her emotions can feel. the worry that maybe it'll be too much for him - though there is something different, that only ookurikara will feel. there is a lack of fear, no apprehension that he'd ever abandon her. in its place there is something a little like guilt - you have to endure this with me, because you chose me and i chose you - but there is no wondering if this is going to be the thing to break them.

if he's stood by her this long, she believes in him that he won't run even at this. he'll feel that too. that point where love and loyalty mix.

but she'll at least try to get them to do something else - there's a pull, an urge for distraction.]

... I finished my tea - let's go do something else?

[if she's moving, maybe it'll be enough to calm her emotions so that they aren't lingering in this limbo

even if the constant pulse of everything that lili feels still thrums in the background, incessant.]

[ the suggestion of a distraction brings with it some relief. if all they do is sit here with this connection, kara would start to feel antsy very quickly, because there is no doubt that the two of them feel very strongly, but there is only so much of that he can take sitting still.

and, well. being out of the public eye might help, as well - both for lili's sake, and his. so kara nods, and rises to his feet. ]

Did you have something in mind?

Do you have a task that you want to do?

[and she'll move to get up then and once they put away dishes or however it works here in the mess hall, she'll gently tug him outside. the mention of tasks gets lili to feel the slightest spark of anxiety - what will the prizes be this week, who's going to win - coupled with the usual flame of determination that comes with all that she does.]

Or we can go back to the petting zoo... or the island...

[ while lili feels anxiety, kara has little to offer but thoughtful calm and quiet determination. it's just another form of battle, to him. one team will win, and there's no knowing who until they get there, but kara can rest easily enough knowing he'll do everything he can to be on that winning team. it's a numbers game, and his team is at a disadvantage, but if it surprised him last week, it can happen again. ]

I wouldn't mind seeing the animals again.

[ the island just doesn't have the same excitement as the animals do. it isn't soft and cute like they are. however... ]

But I haven't done Shadows' task yet.

[ as much as he would love to go straight to see the animals... ]

[ . . . . everyone else is so calm compared to her, it's a little odd. he might even feel that reflected back to him - the slight wonder that comes with what it must like to be thoughtful without also feeling pressed for time.

and the amusement. when he mentions the animals.]

So we'll have to clean quickly in order to see the animals sooner.

[she doesn't mind - spending time with him. there's so much fondness in how she moves forward.]

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