most people aren't right now, that's a given - but even she's a bit sick to her stomach after... all of that. even still, she noticed how hard yin yu seemed to be taking it and so - she proceeds. she drinks water, she ignores the paleness in her own complexion, and she moves on.
she checks for him all over camp, and she doesn't stop.
she makes her way to the garden and eventually manages - ]
[ when lili finally is able to track yin yu down, she'll find him sitting quietly in the garden. it's not the first time he's been here, in the past couple days, but this time, she's caught him meditating, eyes closed, legs crossed, seated closest to a patch of purple flowers.
when he hears lili's voice, it pulls him out of wherever he was in his meditation, and yin yu lets his shoulders droop as he exhales. he's masked, today, and normally he'd reach up to pull it off immediately, but. not today.
he gives a small bow of his head, and unfolds from his position, standing to greet her properly, fist to hand with his bow. as always, yin yu is professional. ] Lady Lili. How can I be of service?
[she'll go to meet him then, and notice that the mask seems to be in place. there's a furrow of her brow, and then she'll reach up to pull it off herself even as she tells him:]
[ he's so surprised by the offer that he ends up letting lili get into his space, half ducking downwards so she can reach easier, even, automatically, before he realizes what's happening.
by that point it's too late, and yin yu just kind of lets her take it. he doesn't look that much different--the cuts on his face from their fight with neena are scabbed over now, but otherwise, it's the same plain face as ever. only the bags under his eyes are darker, more pronounced, because he clearly didn't sleep well the night before.
yin yu opens his mouth, and closes it, and then just. sighs, slowly lifting a hand to scrub at his face for a long moment. ] ...I'm fine. No injuries, my face is healing fine. I didn't sleep well last night.
[ he already knows that is not nearly going to be enough but let him LIVE. ]
[ yin yu is not equipped to have this conversation, especially with his face exposed. his brows knit together, the awkward, self conscious look flickering across his face, and he can't really seem to look lili in the eye as he tries to come up with the ability to talk about himself beyond a couple centuries of being completely and utterly repressed.
there's a long moment of silence. ]
I am... [ mm... ] ...frustrated. But we all are--or, we must be.
You aren't wrong. Everyone is frustrated and I would be far more angry if they didn't feel that way. Failure is unacceptable, and we shouldn't be allowed to be complacent.
... but I'm not really asking for your feelings in comparison to others.
I'm asking for your feelings, selfishly, to know how you alone are doing.
[ it is not so easy, for yin yu to let go of hundreds of years of training. he's repressed his emotions since he was still a child, always the type to set things to the side. for the good of the sect, first, and then, for his own sanity, for his ability to get up and walk forward, to keep working. the one single time he had unscrewed the cap on his emotions, it had exploded like carbonation in a bottle and he refuses to let that happen, ever again.
yin yu keeps his hand over his face for a long moment. he can't look at lili, his face turning to the side as he finally puts it away, visibly uncomfortable.
how is he doing? what does it matter? how does that solve anything? how can he be useful to anyone if he gets bogged down in the details, if he tries to think too much about how much it hurt to watch, today, about the conversation he had with guy the night before the execution? if he gets angry, he'll lash out, he'll be reckless, he'll --
he shakes his head, and eventually, admits: ] This execution affected me. [ but it won't for long. not if he can help it. because it's been years since yin yu had not only met someone like him, but befriended that person, too. there was potential and camaraderie, and he only found more when it was too late. ] I let it show more than I intended.
Then I need you to consider intending for less, and to allow it to show more.
[that's the simplicity of it, isn't it? because lili sees it. she's awkward, so she doesn't know how to comment or draw it out in any way that isn't clumsy or forceful. she's not a particularly gentle person. but she is a person who tries to protect those who she can, in the ways that she can.]
You liked him. Guy. [appreciated him, found him to be a friend, whatever it is. lili's feelings are not similarly warm, but they don't matter, when yin yu is in front of her. she'll bite her tongue.]
anyway, what lili points out is correct. had he really been that obvious? it wasn't normal for him to be even remotely emotional in any situation, let alone something like that, but ... it wasn't just that that made him upset. it was the circumstance, the fact that he'd done nothing wrong, short of a notably tactless move, something that certainly didn't deserve the death penalty that came with it.
yin yu's quiet for a longer moment. ] Death is a natural part of life, and here, it is no ending. If I have anything to say about it, it will be the last false accusation we make.
[ .... ]
...I have few friends of my own. [ eventually, finally, he admits a tiny piece of his actual feelings on the situation. it's tender and vulnerable, and his fingers itch to put the mask back on his face and flee, but. lili asked. he answered. ]
after losing tsurumaru, she gets it. and perhaps others will find fault with tsurumaru, but she can't - not as intensely as others. sometimes all it takes is a mistake to end up in something so vicious, but that's no individual person's fault.
it doesn't mean you care less, when you have to let that person go.]
.... when we lost Tsurumaru, Dimitri told me - isn't it far more tragic if you were to leave this plane, and no one would mourn your loss? Isn't it far sadder for that person if no tears are ever shed for them, by the people who cared for them most?
Isn't it... a testament to the life they lived, that people must grieve when they are gone?
[so isn't it alright then, for yin yu to feel whatever it is that he needs to feel, if not for himself - then for his friend?]
[ yin yu's reaction doesn't change, outwardly, but a bitter part of him curls up at the statement. wouldn't that be tragic. what would he know about that?
everything. he knows exactly how it feels, when no one sheds a tear for you when you're gone. he knows exactly what it feels like to just be a blip in existence, there and gone, replaced by something better and shinier, an after effect. yin yu didn't have to die to become a ghost--no one mourned, when he fell.
everyone just forgot.
he's silent, looking down at the ground, hands laced together. ] Of course. [ it's just an answer. an "i understand what you're saying and i'm accepting it". in reality, it's a wall, because there's no sense in revealing the way that made him feel, nor will he take the advice to show his feelings or his thoughts. ]
I will do so. [ ...but he will grieve. he said he would not lie to lili, and so now, he does not. there's a pause, as he finishes, affixing quietly: ] ...in my own ways.
[ ...and that's more honest, too. he is not as emotional as lili. he is not loud about anything, and he will not start being that way now. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 2, sunday
most people aren't right now, that's a given - but even she's a bit sick to her stomach after... all of that. even still, she noticed how hard yin yu seemed to be taking it and so - she proceeds. she drinks water, she ignores the paleness in her own complexion, and she moves on.
she checks for him all over camp, and she doesn't stop.
she makes her way to the garden and eventually manages - ]
... Yin Yu.
I need something.
no subject
when he hears lili's voice, it pulls him out of wherever he was in his meditation, and yin yu lets his shoulders droop as he exhales. he's masked, today, and normally he'd reach up to pull it off immediately, but. not today.
he gives a small bow of his head, and unfolds from his position, standing to greet her properly, fist to hand with his bow. as always, yin yu is professional. ] Lady Lili. How can I be of service?
no subject
[she'll go to meet him then, and notice that the mask seems to be in place. there's a furrow of her brow, and then she'll reach up to pull it off herself even as she tells him:]
A status report.
On yourself.
Leave nothing out.
1/2
CHEATING ]
no subject
by that point it's too late, and yin yu just kind of lets her take it. he doesn't look that much different--the cuts on his face from their fight with neena are scabbed over now, but otherwise, it's the same plain face as ever. only the bags under his eyes are darker, more pronounced, because he clearly didn't sleep well the night before.
yin yu opens his mouth, and closes it, and then just. sighs, slowly lifting a hand to scrub at his face for a long moment. ] ...I'm fine. No injuries, my face is healing fine. I didn't sleep well last night.
[ he already knows that is not nearly going to be enough but let him LIVE. ]
no subject
So I suppose that covers it physically.
[she'll acknowledge that and then - ]
And so?
Continue.
[since she knows that there is, without a question, more than just that.]
no subject
there's a long moment of silence. ]
I am... [ mm... ] ...frustrated. But we all are--or, we must be.
no subject
You aren't wrong. Everyone is frustrated and I would be far more angry if they didn't feel that way. Failure is unacceptable, and we shouldn't be allowed to be complacent.
... but I'm not really asking for your feelings in comparison to others.
I'm asking for your feelings, selfishly, to know how you alone are doing.
no subject
yin yu keeps his hand over his face for a long moment. he can't look at lili, his face turning to the side as he finally puts it away, visibly uncomfortable.
how is he doing? what does it matter? how does that solve anything? how can he be useful to anyone if he gets bogged down in the details, if he tries to think too much about how much it hurt to watch, today, about the conversation he had with guy the night before the execution? if he gets angry, he'll lash out, he'll be reckless, he'll --
he shakes his head, and eventually, admits: ] This execution affected me. [ but it won't for long. not if he can help it. because it's been years since yin yu had not only met someone like him, but befriended that person, too. there was potential and camaraderie, and he only found more when it was too late. ] I let it show more than I intended.
[ it's almost like he's apologetic for it. ]
no subject
Then I need you to consider intending for less, and to allow it to show more.
[that's the simplicity of it, isn't it? because lili sees it. she's awkward, so she doesn't know how to comment or draw it out in any way that isn't clumsy or forceful. she's not a particularly gentle person. but she is a person who tries to protect those who she can, in the ways that she can.]
You liked him. Guy. [appreciated him, found him to be a friend, whatever it is. lili's feelings are not similarly warm, but they don't matter, when yin yu is in front of her. she'll bite her tongue.]
... it's alright to mourn his loss, you know.
no subject
anyway, what lili points out is correct. had he really been that obvious? it wasn't normal for him to be even remotely emotional in any situation, let alone something like that, but ... it wasn't just that that made him upset. it was the circumstance, the fact that he'd done nothing wrong, short of a notably tactless move, something that certainly didn't deserve the death penalty that came with it.
yin yu's quiet for a longer moment. ] Death is a natural part of life, and here, it is no ending. If I have anything to say about it, it will be the last false accusation we make.
[ .... ]
...I have few friends of my own. [ eventually, finally, he admits a tiny piece of his actual feelings on the situation. it's tender and vulnerable, and his fingers itch to put the mask back on his face and flee, but. lili asked. he answered. ]
no subject
after losing tsurumaru, she gets it. and perhaps others will find fault with tsurumaru, but she can't - not as intensely as others. sometimes all it takes is a mistake to end up in something so vicious, but that's no individual person's fault.
it doesn't mean you care less, when you have to let that person go.]
.... when we lost Tsurumaru, Dimitri told me - isn't it far more tragic if you were to leave this plane, and no one would mourn your loss? Isn't it far sadder for that person if no tears are ever shed for them, by the people who cared for them most?
Isn't it... a testament to the life they lived, that people must grieve when they are gone?
[so isn't it alright then, for yin yu to feel whatever it is that he needs to feel, if not for himself - then for his friend?]
no subject
everything. he knows exactly how it feels, when no one sheds a tear for you when you're gone. he knows exactly what it feels like to just be a blip in existence, there and gone, replaced by something better and shinier, an after effect. yin yu didn't have to die to become a ghost--no one mourned, when he fell.
everyone just forgot.
he's silent, looking down at the ground, hands laced together. ] Of course. [ it's just an answer. an "i understand what you're saying and i'm accepting it". in reality, it's a wall, because there's no sense in revealing the way that made him feel, nor will he take the advice to show his feelings or his thoughts. ]
I will do so. [ ...but he will grieve. he said he would not lie to lili, and so now, he does not. there's a pause, as he finishes, affixing quietly: ] ...in my own ways.
[ ...and that's more honest, too. he is not as emotional as lili. he is not loud about anything, and he will not start being that way now. ]