.... I know I didn't lose him this weekend, so I don't get to be upset over what transpired. Not to the same extent as everyone else who felt camaraderie with Dick. [he was her friend - but she knows those thots are codependent] But... I'm still not a good enough person to immediately forgive everyone who sent him to the execution ring in the first place.
I know you're... trying to do the right thing. [and she glances down at the floor then, before forcing her eyes back up.] I know you have been - since the start. I just wish... that the time you did the wrong thing... didn't hurt me or mine. I dislike you for that moment of carelessness.
[it was a vote and it happened.
. . . well, the task said complete honesty though, right?]
But I don't.... hate you.... I wonder if I should, but I - I know that you even tried to prevent all of that by volunteering yourself. I know that I said hypocritical, rude things and my temper got the best of me. I know that you did what you could to protect who you could, and if I had your strength, I can't even say that I wouldn't have done the very same thing.
[ . . . . she crosses her arms.]
It's more complicated than I want it to be.
[she tries to be straightforward in all she does, but uh. this ain't it.]
But just as you gave me your honesty - I want to give you mine. I...
[ . . . ]
Maybe I'm a fool, but I still want to trust you. I might just - hit you at the end to make everything even.
[He listens to her. It goes better than he expected. Her reasons for being angry at him are fair, he thinks.
But there's more to it than that.]
It wasn't self-defense, Sanji. I killed him because I have a role. Other than Nie Huaisang and Yasusada, everyone who's died here died from someone who was forced to do it.
[He blurts this all out, like it's been physically painful to keep it in.]
We haven't been allowed to confess, or tell anyone what's been going on, until today. So trusting me was, uh. Probably a bad decision, because I couldn't have told you the truth if I wanted to.
[Scratching his. . . bear ears. He doesn't even know how she'll take this, but it just feels like a rush to have it said.]
Shit got so messy at the end of the last trial. The way it was set up - the way Dimitri died - the killers were trying to confess. They were trying so hard to make everyone understand what was really happening here, and it just - everyone kept coming up with theories that made what happened to Dimitri sound so cruel.
That's why we were upset. It wasn't your fault, just. Fuck. We wanted you to understand we didn't want to hurt Dimitri. I wasn't there, but I knew, and that's why I volunteered.
That moment of carelessness hurt more than you. It made it harder for everybody to understand what we were actually doing.
she sighs, heavily at that. she looks to the ceiling for a moment, as if trying to figure out where to place her rage, or if the pink snake will suddenly manifest in front of her eyes and she'll get to strangle it.
and then she lets her gaze fall to magnus.]
.... we've been looking for you - the roles, I mean. Did Akira find you, and I never got the notice?
[what was the point of all her searching? she is clearly trying to process it - but quietly now.]
.... I had a feeling the roles were killing - we just wanted to know why, but even the people that I asked... you couldn't have said anything, right? That's what you told me, the day before trial, when I thought...
[ . . . she whispers softly, but furiously - ]
I'm so stupid for not pursuing this further. I had a feeling that Sanji wasn't self-defense, it didn't make sense. So I knew you had to be a killing role and I kept—
[relying on you. doing what taako said. letting other people do the hard work.
[Well. About Akira. I couldn't send this tag because Al was taking too long to doxx Akira.]
You aren't stupid.
[He doesn't think that. He doesn't think she was wrong to keep trying to rely on him. He laughs a little, but it sounds tired.] Only reason I gave you that speech about not trusting me is I didn't want to hear about Dimitri's plan. If I heard, I'd have to tell the person who did it, and I just. Didn't want to do that.
I'm so sick of lies. I'm not ashamed of what I had to do, but I am fucking tired of lying to people's faces about it. Feeling like me just being friendly to somebody is a lie. [He's still sick about it, all of the kindness and comfort after he was supposedly targeted by Sanji.]
We're all tired, and that's the truth. Everybody's just tired of lying, and tired of being misunderstood because they had to lie about what they were really feeling. You don't owe me an apology.
You just kept talkin' about people with blood on their hands dying, and it. Well. You can maybe see why some folks got a little sensitive about that.
I didn't mean that it was by choice. I never did. [though she's still awkward, and sometimes her words don't sound right. she closes her eyes.] No one wants to murder and lie in this place, we're all being forced to by some stupid pink entity that needs to get its heart carved out.
... blood is blood, and when I think about what happened with Dimitri.... All the signs were there, and I was too unwilling to follow it because I was - .... waiting on some final piece of decisive evidence.
[just like magnus said. she's part of the problem. she knows she is now. she was spinning her wheels and breaking down under the combination of grief and panic.]
I don't blame anyone for being mad at me, if they still are.
I just think... at the end...
[ . . . when she thinks about that whirlwind, where magnus was volunteering himself, and taako was upset, and she was grasping at straws - ]
... I wanted to keep you and Taako from losing each other so much that I ended up blind to what I was actually capable of finding.
[she didn't want to fail them too - and instead everything went lopsided.]
Well. [He gives a small smile.] I'm grateful to you. I wasn't, uh. Doing a very good job of that one, so I'm glad you were looking out.
[It's just Flayn - he felt sorry for Flayn, watching how desperately she wanted the people around her to notice something was wrong. But he also, continually, threw himself in the way of them finding out, because he also wanted to protect her.]
I'm not angry with you. Never was. You're right about one thing - you can't be friends with somebody but also endanger somebody they love. That's been a tough line to walk here, but with you, at least, I had a choice to do it differently.
I'd like to be friends with you, Lili. So I won't endanger him ever again. I won't let anyone else do it, either. Can't promise to make people be nice, but he won't get hurt from us.
[ . . . . . friends. it's such a difficult word for her to wrap her head around, and even now she wonders if she can allow it. magnus is promising to do better now, and she's the one who acknowledged all the other times that he really did do his best. what he did was a mistake, he was honest, and he admitted it to her.
after all the mistakes she's made, it's harder to hold onto the one he committed against her.]
.... he's not agreeable himself. I know that. He has his reasons, but they're ones he should disclose on his own. As long as no one tries to take him from me again, I'll...
[accept it? no, not quite. that's too passive for what she's feeling.]
If you can accept.... being friends - but I definitely get to hit you at the end when I'm not as injured as I am, then....
[she nods.]
I.... want that, too.
I want to rely on you - and for you to rely on me. Nothing held back anymore.
Look, beef is one thing. I'm not interested in stopping beef. [Though actually he did try to make Taako promise to be civil to Kara if he lived from the execution but that suggestion was rejected.] But anything beyond that, no. He walked out of there, and he had every right to. [Though Magnus wasn't as close to Dick as some people are.]
And you can hit me any time you want! Injured or no! [He's always available to be hit.] But that sounds like a deal to me.
[she nods.......... she can understand that much. as long as no one gives kara grief for walking away. it dispels some of her own worries that people might be angry at her, for being the reason he even fought it.
so she sighs, and seems to. regain a little bit of herself. furry week says that her nekomimi ears are less pressed to her head in shame now, so she feels better.]
.... I want to be at full strength when I hit you.
[it's not for her own well-being at all. it's her satisfaction.]
So we have to finish this up and win so I can do that.
Sounds good. Let's murder a snake, cut its head off, and then punch me as hard as you can.
[Well, Magnus' view on it isn't everyone's, but from his perspective - they had a choice to kill or to die, and they chose kill. So did Kara. So it's fair, but also follows that people will still be hurt.
Lili, though - he can't hold it against Lili that she didn't want to lose the person she loves.]
It's gonna have to be pretty hard to make a dent, fair warning.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He's a bear. He has bear ears and he looks extra furry? Anyway, he'll give her a little smile. Even though he suspects he's about to get an earful.]
What's up?
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the smile manages to get her to shrink more...... before she just huffs at herself and tries to straighten her shoulders and look at him directly]
I - wish to fulfill the pink task.
[a beat]
But I don't want to give it the satisfaction of tearing us apart or worsening our relationships any more than it already has.
So... if you would be willing to listen to what I have to say...
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Yeah. You go ahead. I'll hear you out.
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I know you're... trying to do the right thing. [and she glances down at the floor then, before forcing her eyes back up.] I know you have been - since the start. I just wish... that the time you did the wrong thing... didn't hurt me or mine. I dislike you for that moment of carelessness.
[it was a vote and it happened.
. . . well, the task said complete honesty though, right?]
But I don't.... hate you.... I wonder if I should, but I - I know that you even tried to prevent all of that by volunteering yourself. I know that I said hypocritical, rude things and my temper got the best of me. I know that you did what you could to protect who you could, and if I had your strength, I can't even say that I wouldn't have done the very same thing.
[ . . . . she crosses her arms.]
It's more complicated than I want it to be.
[she tries to be straightforward in all she does, but uh. this ain't it.]
But just as you gave me your honesty - I want to give you mine. I...
[ . . . ]
Maybe I'm a fool, but I still want to trust you. I might just - hit you at the end to make everything even.
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[He listens to her. It goes better than he expected. Her reasons for being angry at him are fair, he thinks.
But there's more to it than that.]
It wasn't self-defense, Sanji. I killed him because I have a role. Other than Nie Huaisang and Yasusada, everyone who's died here died from someone who was forced to do it.
[He blurts this all out, like it's been physically painful to keep it in.]
We haven't been allowed to confess, or tell anyone what's been going on, until today. So trusting me was, uh. Probably a bad decision, because I couldn't have told you the truth if I wanted to.
[Scratching his. . . bear ears. He doesn't even know how she'll take this, but it just feels like a rush to have it said.]
Shit got so messy at the end of the last trial. The way it was set up - the way Dimitri died - the killers were trying to confess. They were trying so hard to make everyone understand what was really happening here, and it just - everyone kept coming up with theories that made what happened to Dimitri sound so cruel.
That's why we were upset. It wasn't your fault, just. Fuck. We wanted you to understand we didn't want to hurt Dimitri. I wasn't there, but I knew, and that's why I volunteered.
That moment of carelessness hurt more than you. It made it harder for everybody to understand what we were actually doing.
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she sighs, heavily at that. she looks to the ceiling for a moment, as if trying to figure out where to place her rage, or if the pink snake will suddenly manifest in front of her eyes and she'll get to strangle it.
and then she lets her gaze fall to magnus.]
.... we've been looking for you - the roles, I mean. Did Akira find you, and I never got the notice?
[what was the point of all her searching? she is clearly trying to process it - but quietly now.]
.... I had a feeling the roles were killing - we just wanted to know why, but even the people that I asked... you couldn't have said anything, right? That's what you told me, the day before trial, when I thought...
[ . . . she whispers softly, but furiously - ]
I'm so stupid for not pursuing this further. I had a feeling that Sanji wasn't self-defense, it didn't make sense. So I knew you had to be a killing role and I kept—
[relying on you. doing what taako said. letting other people do the hard work.
. . . ]
I'm sorry.
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You aren't stupid.
[He doesn't think that. He doesn't think she was wrong to keep trying to rely on him. He laughs a little, but it sounds tired.] Only reason I gave you that speech about not trusting me is I didn't want to hear about Dimitri's plan. If I heard, I'd have to tell the person who did it, and I just. Didn't want to do that.
I'm so sick of lies. I'm not ashamed of what I had to do, but I am fucking tired of lying to people's faces about it. Feeling like me just being friendly to somebody is a lie. [He's still sick about it, all of the kindness and comfort after he was supposedly targeted by Sanji.]
We're all tired, and that's the truth. Everybody's just tired of lying, and tired of being misunderstood because they had to lie about what they were really feeling. You don't owe me an apology.
You just kept talkin' about people with blood on their hands dying, and it. Well. You can maybe see why some folks got a little sensitive about that.
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I didn't mean that it was by choice. I never did. [though she's still awkward, and sometimes her words don't sound right. she closes her eyes.] No one wants to murder and lie in this place, we're all being forced to by some stupid pink entity that needs to get its heart carved out.
... blood is blood, and when I think about what happened with Dimitri.... All the signs were there, and I was too unwilling to follow it because I was - .... waiting on some final piece of decisive evidence.
[just like magnus said. she's part of the problem. she knows she is now. she was spinning her wheels and breaking down under the combination of grief and panic.]
I don't blame anyone for being mad at me, if they still are.
I just think... at the end...
[ . . . when she thinks about that whirlwind, where magnus was volunteering himself, and taako was upset, and she was grasping at straws - ]
... I wanted to keep you and Taako from losing each other so much that I ended up blind to what I was actually capable of finding.
[she didn't want to fail them too - and instead everything went lopsided.]
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[It's just Flayn - he felt sorry for Flayn, watching how desperately she wanted the people around her to notice something was wrong. But he also, continually, threw himself in the way of them finding out, because he also wanted to protect her.]
I'm not angry with you. Never was. You're right about one thing - you can't be friends with somebody but also endanger somebody they love. That's been a tough line to walk here, but with you, at least, I had a choice to do it differently.
I'd like to be friends with you, Lili. So I won't endanger him ever again. I won't let anyone else do it, either. Can't promise to make people be nice, but he won't get hurt from us.
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after all the mistakes she's made, it's harder to hold onto the one he committed against her.]
.... he's not agreeable himself. I know that. He has his reasons, but they're ones he should disclose on his own. As long as no one tries to take him from me again, I'll...
[accept it? no, not quite. that's too passive for what she's feeling.]
If you can accept.... being friends - but I definitely get to hit you at the end when I'm not as injured as I am, then....
[she nods.]
I.... want that, too.
I want to rely on you - and for you to rely on me. Nothing held back anymore.
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And you can hit me any time you want! Injured or no! [He's always available to be hit.] But that sounds like a deal to me.
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so she sighs, and seems to. regain a little bit of herself. furry week says that her nekomimi ears are less pressed to her head in shame now, so she feels better.]
.... I want to be at full strength when I hit you.
[it's not for her own well-being at all. it's her satisfaction.]
So we have to finish this up and win so I can do that.
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[Well, Magnus' view on it isn't everyone's, but from his perspective - they had a choice to kill or to die, and they chose kill. So did Kara. So it's fair, but also follows that people will still be hurt.
Lili, though - he can't hold it against Lili that she didn't want to lose the person she loves.]
It's gonna have to be pretty hard to make a dent, fair warning.
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[and she seems so confident about it, for some reason? her punches have been getting better, unfortunately.]
What did your ending look like? Could you visit people? Or is that something else we still need to figure out?