Well...I yelled at him first and ignored him for three days. [Not his finest moment.] Hikaru and I have always shared everything with each other because it was always just the two of us. But we needed to grow and be separate, and I knew that he would need the extra help more than myself. He's...stubborn. And hot-headed. And rude. But he's intelligent and kind and loyal when people get past that.
If there was a chance for his happiness, of course I would have taken it. [A thin smile.] I would rather help him grow, but even pretending that it's a mature move on my part it's also maybe a little selfish.
[even if she felt his emotions - she can't quite wrap her mind around them. it's a little hard, when she's been alone for most of her life and lacks much to fall back on]
Because. [His fingers curl into a ball, hands making fists on his knees as he thinks it through.] I want him to always need me because I know that I'm always going to need him no matter what changes. Doing what's right could have damaged our relationship, and even though it was right I avoided it for so long because I didn't want our world to change just yet.
We're still together back home. Hikaru's made sure of that. But it's just another reason I can't understand why it was me who was brought here and not him.
[ . . . there's a frown at that, even as she tries to wrap her head around it.]
.... you're brothers, aren't you? Linked by blood. Why do you think it's selfish to need each other?
It doesn't mean you aren't your own person, with your own wants. It shouldn't be selfish to be able to experience life on your own terms, but also want to maintain a good relationship with family.
For a long time, there was Hikaru and I and then there was the rest of the world. I wanted him to start to experience things with the rest of the world, but I also wanted to keep him with me. For some time, it was difficult to think of those things as two separate actions. We wanted people to treat us the same. We wanted people to treat us differently. People couldn't tell us apart forever because we didn't want them to. Tamaki-senpai started to change that.
Things are better now. We moved to America with the others for school, and we've decided where we're going next. And he eventually learned how to handle his emotions...at least when it came to Haruhi.
[With that, he seems to brush it off and shakes his head.] Things are fine now. It's just a silly memory.
[ . . . . hmmm. she watches him for a moment before nodding.]
... I'd never felt anything like it - which is probably why I'm so curious. I didn't mean to pry but....
I'm the only daughter of the Water Tribe's ruling family. My father kept a close watch on me, and would confine me if I ever grew too unruly. So things like family - even the feelings you felt for that girl...
[she doesn't really know much about it at all. her entire life has been about ruling, about being a good noble, about helping others - even if she didn't know how to interact with them.]
[Kaoru's basically interpreting this as Lili's father locking her up and keeping her in a cage which isn't much better.]
...it's not really prying, but in comparison to what I just saw from you it really does feel sort of insignificant. [So he's just embarrassed.] Did you really not have people your own age? What about that Yona girl?
Hikaru and I used to think the same way. [Sometimes they still do.] For us, it was a matter of "why should people be friends with us if they couldn't even understand us?" It was only a few years ago that Tamaki-senpai spoke to us and we joined his club.
[lili contemplates that... and she still finds herself unable to entirely relate. though she's at least glad they were able to find friends eventually...]
Yes, I think so.
She's my only friend in the world.
[though lili just sounds more fond than anything, rather than sad about it. she adores yona]
[she fusses with her hair then - because she doesn't know if she would be. because there are still so many things that she doesn't know how to do, but she has to learn. she has to try.]
To me it seems there are a few options. Being fine on your own, not being fine on your own, being fine with other people, not being fine with other people.
Just because a person was fine on their own previously doesn't mean it will continue to always be the case. That's all.
It's not an easy skill to master, truthfully. [That is to say he's also still a picky bitch, but it's fine.] I think it's just hard to imagine really being on your own. That's all.
Then what is it? [Look he's had sixteen years babysitting his emotionally stunted brother, he can at least needle and pry at Lili until she answers or tells him to fuck off.]
How rude. I'm listening to you right now. [That's not what she means and he's aware.] People listened to you during the trial, did they not? Even if they didn't have a reason to.
[Did Hisoka ever find out it was Lili? We don't know.]
You can't say "it doesn't matter what I say" and "I had something worthwhile to say" in the same sentence, moron. That's not how this works. [Casually pointing that out, and maybe if he makes this a little less serious she'll lighten up a little.]
It was still people listening to you on your own merit because people cared and you helped assure them things wouldn't be as horrible as they could be. If that doesn't count, I'm not sure what does.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
If there was a chance for his happiness, of course I would have taken it. [A thin smile.] I would rather help him grow, but even pretending that it's a mature move on my part it's also maybe a little selfish.
no subject
I don't understand... how is that selfish?
[even if she felt his emotions - she can't quite wrap her mind around them. it's a little hard, when she's been alone for most of her life and lacks much to fall back on]
no subject
We're still together back home. Hikaru's made sure of that. But it's just another reason I can't understand why it was me who was brought here and not him.
no subject
.... you're brothers, aren't you? Linked by blood. Why do you think it's selfish to need each other?
It doesn't mean you aren't your own person, with your own wants. It shouldn't be selfish to be able to experience life on your own terms, but also want to maintain a good relationship with family.
Right?
no subject
For a long time, there was Hikaru and I and then there was the rest of the world. I wanted him to start to experience things with the rest of the world, but I also wanted to keep him with me. For some time, it was difficult to think of those things as two separate actions. We wanted people to treat us the same. We wanted people to treat us differently. People couldn't tell us apart forever because we didn't want them to. Tamaki-senpai started to change that.
Things are better now. We moved to America with the others for school, and we've decided where we're going next. And he eventually learned how to handle his emotions...at least when it came to Haruhi.
[With that, he seems to brush it off and shakes his head.] Things are fine now. It's just a silly memory.
no subject
... I'd never felt anything like it - which is probably why I'm so curious. I didn't mean to pry but....
I'm the only daughter of the Water Tribe's ruling family. My father kept a close watch on me, and would confine me if I ever grew too unruly. So things like family - even the feelings you felt for that girl...
[she doesn't really know much about it at all. her entire life has been about ruling, about being a good noble, about helping others - even if she didn't know how to interact with them.]
... I'm glad that things are alright now.
no subject
...it's not really prying, but in comparison to what I just saw from you it really does feel sort of insignificant. [So he's just embarrassed.] Did you really not have people your own age? What about that Yona girl?
no subject
there's a pause.]
I met her in the past year...
[she pauses a little bit and then shakes her head]
It's alright. I don't need friends.
no subject
Hikaru and I used to think the same way. [Sometimes they still do.] For us, it was a matter of "why should people be friends with us if they couldn't even understand us?" It was only a few years ago that Tamaki-senpai spoke to us and we joined his club.
[...] Would she consider you friends?
no subject
Yes, I think so.
She's my only friend in the world.
[though lili just sounds more fond than anything, rather than sad about it. she adores yona]
no subject
no subject
... I don't need any more friends, then. I've always been fine on my own.
[no she hasn't]
no subject
As admirable as I think that is, I'm not sure about that. [...] Do you suppose you'd be fine here on your own then?
no subject
[she fusses with her hair then - because she doesn't know if she would be. because there are still so many things that she doesn't know how to do, but she has to learn. she has to try.]
Not being fine?
no subject
Just because a person was fine on their own previously doesn't mean it will continue to always be the case. That's all.
no subject
[she's slow to admit it, but it sure does sound like a fact to her.]
So I still only have two options.
no subject
no subject
... good.
I don't want you to know what it feels like.
[kaoru is better with people than she is, after all.]
no subject
...I'm not going to force you to talk to other people. But you do have a choice here.
no subject
[she's not afraid of much and it's not like she shies away from it
it's more just that she ends up disliked a lot of the time, and she expects it to be the same here
but even she can recognize that sounds pathetic so she doesn't give voice to it]
no subject
no subject
It doesn’t matter what I say. Most people don’t care about whatever it is. I’m not charismatic enough to get people to listen to me on my own merit.
no subject
[Did Hisoka ever find out it was Lili? We don't know.]
no subject
That's because I had something worthwhile to say -
If they didn't listen to me then, they'd be stupid!
no subject
It was still people listening to you on your own merit because people cared and you helped assure them things wouldn't be as horrible as they could be. If that doesn't count, I'm not sure what does.
(no subject)
(no subject)