coastal | [ kara & lili are romance, somehow ]

[honestly

i don't see why we shouldn't set something more or less immediately after the beau and chuuya fight? lili is probably pouring herself another cup of tea after watching ash get involved? she watches him for just one thoughtful moment too long -

and then immediately moves on, turning to kara]

I personally thought Chuuya was right.

Though I guess there's something to be said about grief too...

[but also

beau fucking lied so]

She should be allowed to grieve.

[ kara knows loss too well not to give her that much. she cared for nhs, no matter how foolish anyone else may think she is for it. ]

...But lying helps no one here.

[ . . . . she just frowns as she takes another sip of her tea.]

... it just sounds complicated. To grieve over someone so... unpopular. And who kept answers from all of us.

[ . . . ]

But I guess - Dimitri told me that it's far sadder, if no one grieves you at all.

[so she supposes that every person deserves at least that much dignity]

[ kara shrugs. ]

The heart is complicated, isn't it? For humans, too.

[ he doesn't know much about grieving for the sake of dignity, or grieving for someone who isn't otherwise missed. he isn't so forgiving as to absolve nie huaisang of his crimes. ]

[ . . . . she nods at that.]

You can end up feeling a lot of things at once. And everyone's heart is different.

So you never really know what someone's capable of until you get to know them. [ . . . ] I'm not sure yet, how I feel about Beau's behavior.

It's harder for me to understand.

[especially when she's dating kara, and they really would throw each other under the bus the second that suspicion came up]

I can't say I understand it, either. But Shess did like to tell me that you and I are the exception, in that way.

[ so maybe it's just a normal human thing, to want to save someone despite the terrible things they've done. ]

.... he told me that too.

[and she'll just look down at her tea cup briefly, before she looks back up at him]

.... I think I'd be scared to lose you, if hints did start to point to you in a trial. It'd probably hurt a lot, to actually throw out the accusation.

[she never meant to invalidate beau's suffering, or her pain at the prospect of loss. it was only when that attitude manifested in stubbornness, and and unwillingness to cooperate that lili started to lose respect for her.]

But you'd want me to, right?

So I think... I'd hate it more, if I let the fear win, and made a choice that led to you loving me less.

[er

wait]

Uh.

Like?

Liking?

[she shouldn't assume that he loves her but for some reason the word is just

so easy to reach for]

[ ookurikara doesn't seem phased by the hesitation, or the backtracking. he lets lili stumble over that, waiting until she quiets to answer. ]

I don't think I could love you any less.

[ he uses that same word easily, without a trace of the hesitation that lili shows, after the fact. ]

But I would rather be broken than allow someone innocent to die in my place. You know that. And I trust you to follow through with it, should it come to that.

[she

almost hurts herself with how quickly and intensely she tries to hide her face against the table, the tips of her ears burning bright red as her heart nearly leaps out of her chest upon hearing those words.

softly, but intensely:]

Ohmygods.

[HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE READY FOR THAT

DID SHE EVEN HEAR THE SECOND PART OF WHAT HE SAID]

Edited 2020-07-07 02:35 (UTC)

[ what did he do this time ]

...Oi. What's wrong?

[ . . . . . . . . . . hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

she

lifts her head slowly even if she can't meet his eyes. her heart feels like it's hammering in her chest. she doesn't know if it'll get better?]

....... I.......

[she said it on saturday, but why does this feel different. because she's not throwing it out there immediately? what is it.]

I... love you, too.

[but -

he knows that, doesn't he?]

[ ...he's quiet for a moment, honestly a little confused. ]

I know. So why are you hiding your face?

[aaaaAAAAAAAAA

HE KNEWWWWWWW]

It's -

I don't even know if it's a human thing!! Or if you're just really impossible to fluster...!!!

[ ...? ]

You said you saw me blush before, so it's not impossible.

I know but...

[but this is kind of big, isn't it? she's over here losing her mind about it because it's - love.

and it's a very strange, confident thing for her. to look at ookurikara, and to know that she's in love. she doesn't know when it started, or how it truly began. but that's how she feels. she knows that if there's anyone in the universe that she could care for this much, and feel this strongly for, it's him.

receiving it is - strange, too. it's more than she ever expected, from anyone. lili an doesn't think that people even like her. she doesn't expect it, and she doesn't know what to do with it if people do.

love always felt like something so out of reach.

rather than someone who would so calmly sit across from her, and tell her.]

... It surprised me.

[she lets a hand rest over her heart, where it's beating rapidly - and then it unconsciously moves to hold onto the pendant of his necklace]

It... still surprises me.

[ his eyes follow her hand, watching her grasp at his pendant with a faint feeling of satisfaction.

even so, he can't help but ask: ]

Why would that surprise you?

[ . . . . saying this is hard. because there's something so distinctly depressing and pitiful about saying 'I think I'm difficult to love.' it's implied, every time that lili thinks that she's difficult to even like.

but kara loves her. he affirmed it, so easily. there's never anything that could get him to love her less. that's overwhelming, and she hopes that it's true. that she doesn't make a mistake big enough to compromise that feeling.

she'd do a lot, to hold onto kara's love.]

.... I always knew I'd get married - I just didn't think that love would be a part of it.

[and so she never expected to receive it in general.]

So? We don't have to be married for me to know that I love you.

Edited 2020-07-07 03:51 (UTC)

[ . . . . he's not getting it, is he?

she wonders if it doesn't occur to him - when he was always treasured, even as a sword. yes, he was left behind often, but he was loved. he was cared for. his existence held meaning for people.

. . . ]

I just -

[she nearly tries to talk around it, because this is a confession that she's never shared with anyone. that she never bothered to unpack, because it felt like such an unshakeable truth: she is lili an, and she is unlovable.

but... if she owes anyone her honesty, it's kara.]

... didn't think anyone would love [disastrous, reckless, cowardly] me.

[but she convinced herself a while ago - she didn't need love to do the right thing.]

[ he's quiet for a long moment, because no - he doesn't really understand, but perhaps not for the reasons that lili might expect. sure, ookurikara has been treasured as both a sword and a sword warrior, at least by the date clan and his fellow date swords.

but his smith didn't like him enough to claim him, and even the other date swords are always wondering how they can convince him to be just a little friendlier. only the date clan themselves, his former masters, have ever treasured him, with all his faults, as much as lili an does now. and she still wants him, as he is.

so. in a way, he thinks he gets it.

on the other hand... ]

Well, I do love you.

[ it's not just a feeling, for ookurikara. it's a fact, as strong and sure as his own steel, and he says it just as naturally as he swings his blade. ]

So you can stop worrying about that.

[ . . . . he is so certain.

and it knocks the air out of her lungs. this fact without room to shift or bend: he loves her. she loves him. even for all her adoration and love for geun-tae, she knew nothing would ever truly come of it. he so deeply loved his wife more than anything, and she was willing to accept that. of course. and so it would be that the person she loved would never love her back - until ookurikara.

love really isn't something sensible, or easy. it's not rational. it's just the way that someone makes your heart feel. it's the way that he looks at her, and doesn't look away when she does something shameful.

it's the way that they both knew, and they both reached for the word once it was available to them - and it feels like this has just been their everyday for some time now.

she doesn't know what to say at first, and instead she moves her tea aside. her hand reaches across the table for his, taking his hand between both of hers, claiming his attention. she brings it up to her cheek, lets her face rest in his palm.]

... okay. I won't worry about it anymore.

[when she became aware of the emotion share this week - she immediately put distance between herself and others. they don't get to touch her. she's too wild and too emotional, and others don't need to know everything that rages in her heart.

the exception is kara. (the exception is always kara.)

even if she can't put it into words, she hopes that he can feel it now. the way that being next to him manages to make her heart calm, reassured that it's safe with him. the loneliness that she'd kept locked away, unspoken and unsaid, finally starting to crack with the knowledge that there's someone who cares for her so much. the happiness and comfort that come with the knowledge that he loves her and -

the overwhelming, aching way that she loves him too.]

[ somehow, even knowing this truth, it still makes his breath catch in his throat to feel it secondhand. kara knows a certain kind of loneliness - it's the reason he'd always asked for her to stay, and not leave him behind like all the rest inevitably do. he knows how it feels, to let someone in where no one else has been able to make themselves known. with his hand in hers, lili might feel that echoed back at her, an unwavering faith in her, and the thread of fear that won't go away no matter what he does - fear of being abandoned, certainly, but more than anything, fear of losing lili again, as they struggle to win this game.

she might feel his resolution to protect her, if he can - to carry her to the end even if he has to break.

she might feel the contentedness, in just being close to her, where he's never been comfortable with anyone else, and his desire to have her near as often as they can manage. eventually they'll have to part ways, but there is a certain determination in his heart, to make full use of whatever time they have - because time is so fleeting, for humans, and time spend with them is so precious to a sword.

and she might feel, as sure as the sky is blue, the love he has for her. it doesn't ache, or overwhelm the way hers does, almost making him choke. it simply is, unquestioned and steadfast. kara still isn't sure when, exactly, that happened, but he puts no thought into ti. there's no need, when it's something he knows so well.

emotions have never been his strong suit. even now, he struggles with the weight of lili's and his own - because a heart is really so much, and he's never prepared for how much he feels, too. ookurikara takes a deep breath as he wonders if there's something else he should say, but all he can manage is a single, whispered word, that he hopes can carry the full weight of those feelings all on its own: ]

...Good.

[everything about him grounds her. some of the feelings that settle against her own are surprising - the fear is what seems to stand out. in lili's own feelings, there is none. not in this moment. there is no room for failure in this game, and there is not yet any consideration for what might happen if one of them falls. there's only the determination to move forward, the certainty that everything will be fine - even if it takes walking through hellfire to get there. she has to have hope.

she always has an unwavering hope.

the rest of it almost brings tears to her eyes, and she shuts them for a moment. in the feedback loop of their emotions, in the conversation that's happening unsaid, there is still some room for surprise. even though she said that she wouldn't worry, and even though he has no room for questioning anything, it doesn't mean that she can stop her feelings so easily. there is still the residual shock, the oddity of there's someone in this world who thinks I'm worth loving mixed with oh, I'm so glad that it's you.

but she realizes the way that her emotions can overwhelm - the way that her heart carries so much. if his love is a blue sky, then hers is the way that a sunset reaches into forever, stretching for the horizon, as if the day was not long enough already. it's wanting and greedy, in the way that nothing is ever good enough for lili. she wants kara more than anything else, and loves him in a way that's both confident in its certainty and desperate to never let go, to never let him want for anything.

her hand starts to release his, loosening her hold and pulling away.]

... sorry, I'll - ask before I touch you this week.

[in case it's too much, in case she's too much.

he can love her without wanting to experience everything the way that she does - vividly, wildly.]

week 4, monday

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